FROZEN

photos by son, Cory

I need people yet being around too many freezes me. I pull in, become numb from stress and it can take days to unwind and find my way back to myself. Even those closest to me; sons, daughter’s-in-law and grand-children. Taking them one at a time? No problem. All at once?

Love having everyone together because it is rare, yet…the stress of wanting it all to go perfectly caused stiffness that speaks in my shoulders, tendons like taut piano wires.

“I feel frozen,” I tell a dear friend, one who also suffered childhood sexual abuse traumas.

“I’m like that too after being around a lot of people,” she confides, and a burden drops from me like water falling off rock. Having feelings validated and understood is priceless, like my friend.

As the freeze begins to melt the tears come like soft rain, each drop bringing me back to myself, the land, the butterflies, the dappled light at my feet from the leaves overhead, the singsong of birds chanting lively along with the croaking of tree frogs and the tractor in the distance.

Though I love my family, keeping up with 30 year old’s is exhausting. But it is worth it and all did go perfectly, even walking the glen on hike after hike. Just give me a few more days of grass, breeze, quietness, and rest…

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23 thoughts on “FROZEN

  1. These photos are beautiful. I feel like a day around a lot of people equals two days of needing constant quiet and not having to talk to anyone. You aren’t alone with that. I’m glad things went perfect. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing this, and your story in general. I find too that my energy is much more balanced in one on one interactions than in groups, regardless of the level of intimacy. Retreating into solitude is the only way for me to ‘restore’ myself. It’s also a common trait for empaths and highly sensitive people. Folks like us just love and feel everything in a more intense way. I think it’s beautiful, as you and your photos are too!

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      1. More times than not I feel good about being me, except times like these. I lamented to Samuel that ‘I wish I were him, or somebody else.’
        Why does stuff affect me in such a way when it doesn’t others?
        Yet in this community of survivors it makes sense. The deep understanding and acceptance that I crave, both of myself and from others.. is found here. That solace is golden.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I share the same struggles. Believe me I understand. I sometimes have a tough time with even my family and friends. Your words are so beautifully written. It’s always a pleasure to read your blog. I personally feel that I am going through some sort of metamorphosis. I know change is coming big-time. I am scared and excited. I want to finally leave the past in the past. I don’t know if I can but I am surly going to try.

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  4. I am sorry social gatherings take a lot out of you but they do me as well. I freeze as well. Lately I have limited any social engagement to a 2 hour period and then I head home. It gets me to see family and friends without doing harm to me. Thanks for the blog. I imagine a lot of us with trauma histories could relate to your story.

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    1. Thank you Janet. It helps to feel less alone. The knowledge, experience and wisdom found on-line is invaluable, and soothing.
      If I were to gather regularly with them I would feel more accustomed and comfortable with it but since it is a rare occasion it will take much more time. But progress was made.

      Like

  5. I get you! Boundaries, adequate space, and quiet time are essential to healing and restoration. I know you are strong to put these necessities in place and I cheer you on!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. no doubt a loving hug is one of the most beautiful things a person can experience. in that moment comes love, peace and serenity. The waterfall is outstanding, but your hug with your grandson is what touched me profoundly and reminds me what it is to connect to others in a deep and meaningful way. The saying a picture can paint a thousand words is true. I have one word for your picture. Love.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I find that having authentic, intimate conversation is what my soul craves. And being around a bunch of people who carry their own “stuff” can be very triggering to me and mine. A big yes to connecting heart to heart with your friend, and letting the tears roll. Tears are old pain leaving your heart, making room for life. And kudos to you for getting out there and enjoying life, despite the challenges. And more kudos for knowing that it can take time, quiet, and rest, to come back to center. I find that as I’m getting older, my body doesn’t bounce back from physical exertion like it did when I was 30, either. What a wonderful thing to do for your body, getting a massage.

    Liked by 1 person

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