WHOLENESS?

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photo by patricia

I wonder at the tattered cloth, can it ever be whole? Feelings of wholeness seep in then despair. A depth of dark and cold with no succor. The yearning for something unnamed. Resolve to have it. Then tears.

And more tears. An awakening. The present so infected by the past. Go back? Must I go back? Others say, “Be happy.” My happy is back there to that little lost girl I abandoned. I hurt, she hurts.

“Why?” she asks. “When you had college age women to explore your sexuality with. Others who were willing and your age. Why a little sister? Only a child. A little girl who looked up to you, adored you, trusted you?” And she cries as she asks.

Like a tattered cloth that needs mending, the needles pierce with every stitch. To make it whole again the wounds must be lanced and it hurts. To come to the present I must visit the past and I don’t want to. Yet the visit brings me back to the present more fully.

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9 thoughts on “WHOLENESS?

  1. Lovely description. I makes me think of shashiko, a form of mending that is visible and creative so that what appeared to be ruined becomes an artistic expression.
    M

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes looking back at the past does bring you more fully into the present. I finally feel my wholeness and completeness in the midst of my woundedness. It gets hooked throughout my day but I am able to lovingly hold my woundedness and that is where the wholeness comes. Thanks for writing your blog. It really made me think once again about wholeness.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, the pain went so very deep.
      Letting what is there to rise allowed airing and true healing, even after a fifty year gap of suppressing it. Tom does not know that I’ve cleaned his filth off and out of me.
      I am less inclined to react robotically to everyday interactions and tend to be more thoughtful, accepting and compassionate towards the interchange especially those that make me angry and want to withdraw. Those are such learning experiences rather than something to run from. I still want to run but instead stay with them until the hurt is fully felt and is up and out; cleansed.

      Liked by 1 person

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