GENTLENESS

150

Overnight the sweat on my body drove me to open the windows wide before returning to bed. By morning the rain had stopped and more warmth seeped in. The heat doesn’t have to run which means more windows to open as the birds wake and sing a hello chorus.

Shane and his family drove the long distance to Massachusetts to visit his brother and their new baby. Oh how I wish I could easily travel and join them. But home is where I want to be and do best. Although my health is returning with more vibrancy, zest and energy, home continues to be my safe place. 

It feels like the rocky transition from winter to spring is over but anxiety is an ongoing issue. It always has been and probably always will be. Coping with it daily along with other tendencies that trip me up will continue to take work, but progress has been made. 

Patterns, like beating myself over other people’s rudeness because I didn’t speak up at the time of the occurrence is an issue here to stay. That can mean hours of pain blaming myself. Then a saying occurred from a past therapist, Matt…AFOG- another fucking opportunity for growth.

Leaving the store feeling burned from the cashier’s rudeness my hands were shaking. And the relentless whipping started. A simple frustration turns into a whirlwind scurrying in from my past. Why didn’t you say something, speak up, say the truth of what was happening, something? Why always so nice, so pleasing? 

Being taught to be silent and loving towards brothers that were sexually attacking me during childhood was being taught to take the blame for everything that happens to me and around me; a feeling or belief cemented in stone. It’s not going away. Do I have to be one of my attackers?

I stopped, and replaced the relentless haranguing with positives. Quietness is your way as you think things through. And how can you have a voice when it was taken? Accept this about yourself and be gentle and kind with it. It’s OK. At least you know what transpired. And though it made you feel bad, you are not bad…

I have the ability to not beat myself up. A revelation. The tension drifted away and pressure from the the knot on my heart melted. This is progress. Going home to Samuel I shared the experience and in return heard all about his latest check-out trip that was unpleasant. Then we both went about our day with peace and contentment. I cooked a nice meal with the homey satisfaction that brings while he worked outside despite the rain. 

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this post was inspired by Telling Heavy Secrets, a friend…

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