Cindy on bracelet #2
It is a relief to move away from Seth’s harsh words and rebuff over Spring and Summer. The anxiety hurt my heart sending me to the hospital via ambulance for an overnight stay to rule out a heart attack. It was an attack on the heart.
I go about things as I’ve always done— on my own. I have been able to maintain a limited relationship with three siblings because they were the only ones out of seven who hadn’t touched me abusively. Each has been helpful and kind towards me yet the interactions were restricted lacking closeness and depth.
I’ve arrived at a place where I need more and it isn’t there. Not one will go to the dark where I’ve lived. In looking for the light no one will hold my hand because to enter the light, I bring the dark. I come to the present with all of me and am not running. The failure of each to offer compassion, alliance or acknowledgment erects a barrier to my true self.
Any interaction is like pouring water over rock. Why bother? It is about their flaws and has nothing to do with me…yet everything to do with me. Their lack of profundity for the truth makes me realize my own strength for what may be the first time.
I felt I leaned on them but I have been the stalwart one all along. I wish I hadn’t been the one to carry the burden of secrets and do it all alone. There is a part of me that will always grieve ‘family,’ craving comfort and succor that never comes but from my center.
What happens in families of origin when a sexual abuse survivor comes forward seems a common theme. Don’t talk or speak of it or you’re out. It has nothing to do with the survivor yet has everything to do with her. The ‘family’ cleaves to the natural order of clan instinctually banning together no matter what.
It is about weaknesses in their character and lack of strength. Each has their own agenda. The victim is outcast if she speaks. Yet I must speak and need to belong at the same time.
So I take steps that feel like I belong then make space and go on as I always have…on my own cherishing the family I have built. The more space I have the better I feel.
At the pumpkin patch!