So many emotions swirl during the holidays, reminiscing, thinking of those gone, those here that I’ve lost closeness with, those here that relationships have improved greatly…so much to be thankful for.
Yet it is easy to allow nostalgia to take me down… if I let it. It’s a choice. I found myself feeling down seeing how Samuel’s brothers called him and they chatted happily. And two of Samuel’s friends dropped by.
I said out loud to Samuel, “No one called me!” already regretting it as it made it feel more real.
He responded, “Well, you did what made you feel right about things. The ball is in their court,” referring to cards I sent.
“Yes, the ball stays there,” adding, “Not one of my brothers wished me Merry Christmas.”
But did I really want to go there? On Christmas day the old clock in the living room began tolling. It hasn’t in years. And it has rung ever since. I feel like Scrooge waking on Christmas day renewed. I can choose.
Of course I want family. I want at least to have it be alright and amiable even if not close. I feel that has been achieved. Being part of a Clan goes back to Cavemen days. To survive you have to be in a group. Those needs don’t seem to change but one can be a part of a group of their choosing to support and be supported by.
No amount of wishing will go back and give to each of eight children the love, care and attention desperately needed. Not one had it easy and it makes me sad. It wasn’t my doing, it just was. I can choose to live for now knowing now is limited and to make each day the best I can. And not so much about what you failed to give me but what might I offer you.