Several days of do, do, do, and nights that match waking at 2:30 AM feeling anxious as if I need to get up and do something or else. Or else what? I felt tipped to the edge. Sometimes doing more than my body has energy for takes me past tired to a scary place where I fear each moment. Add lack of sleep and an entire outlook on life becomes dreary and down.
The next day I uncharacteristically went to my room and napped. Then rested after that not doing much. I had a little more sleep the next night but still not enough. I rested most of the day if you don’t include the hour in a tight little room with 40 other parents listening to Cindy’s pre-K class sing three Christmas songs then frost Christmas cookies for their guests. What a delight and the stifling heat didn’t diminish my joy or her exuberance. Samuel and Cindy’s other Grandma came too.
After that I just laughed at Cindy while she twirled and played in our living room while we awaited her Mother’s arrival. Her favorite game is pretending to be a kitty so she curls up next me while I pet her. After she left I put on my favorite Christmas movies which are child-like with their magic reindeer dust and miracles. I let myself have this time and my body driven to the edge needed it. I let the dishes stay in the sink and the laundry wait.
Last night I slept, wonder upon wonders. I lose sight of how years of PTSD has stressed my body because no one in the family admitted my challenges so it was if I didn’t have them. I don’t want to have them. Now with an older body needing care I cannot ignore it because when I do I become sick easily and fast. When I push, my body pushes back in protest and it can take days to recover. I would not choose this, yet I also know my body takes energy to keep some memories from my conscious mind even now. That leaves less energy elsewhere.
Kindness to self, all else flows from there. I smile more, a real smile.