I had the brilliant idea of re-visiting Niagara Falls to see the Christmas Lights and stay the night. I’ve always wanted to and on impulse booked it. Samuel agreed to go. During the morning forecast bad weather was reported to be rolling in, an Arctic blast. Curbing my welling terror I tried to meditate but after only a minute rose and went on-line to cancel.
No way was I going to risk death over a night at the Falls. After reading on-line that it was too late to cancel panic began to rise, a real flush of adrenaline. Calling Samuel at work he said it was OK, we could handle it. Samuel even now doesn’t really get it when it comes to my over-reactive nervous system which flies into the stratosphere easily.
I tried to go with it and began packing a few things but became almost queasy with fear. Listen to this! You don’t have to do go. I called the hotel and they readily cancelled without charges. Immediate relief came as if a ton of rocks were removed from my shoulders.
I don’t want to be anywhere but home. Even slightly slippery roads would cause constant anxiety, a chemically charged state that would take the entire trip to come down from. As it was, it took all morning for the excess chemicals to clear my body. My body reacts to the environment. The more I stay in it, the more I can feel. It is time to listen.
This has not been the first time my body was blood curdling screaming that something was wrong for me, but I don’t listen. I felt forced to ignore the horrible terror and went through a dental surgery I should not have, and an endoscopy years before that. Listen to your terrors, they mean something. It wasn’t a whisper but an outright terror. Listen.
Being home is where I want to be. That doesn’t mean I am not exploring new territories or evading life but that I feel happy and safe at home. There is no place like home…