I have a rule not to talk about my kids. But is it OK to speak of them in terms of myself and working to be a better person? Cory’s photos of our decorated home were taken two years ago when he visited from London. The house looks just the same and I love the look as it reminds me of a little gingerbread house. Samuel does a great job and I’ve eased up my grip about mixing colored lights with white ones. Finally he is allowed to do what he likes. (and it looks good…)
Cory is not home, nor was he here Thanksgiving. I thought I was alright yet a deep sadness wells up no matter how much it’s tamped down with ‘shoulds.’ I should be happy because Cory is having his first baby with a vivacious, loving wife who has a huge, close family; two brothers, wives, children and tons of other relatives who live close and gather at all holidays plus many more occasions, a family that is now Cory’s. I can’t offer him that.
I should be happy because I have Shane and his wife I adore along with precious grand-children who are at the age where Santa is REAL. Also Nana and Poppy are high on the list of who they love. And Shane’s third baby is coming a month later so I will have an infant to hold, cuddle and love. I am blissful with satisfaction for these wonders, yet it accentuates the crevasse of what I won’t have with Cory’s. I beat myself up for feelings. It is hard to get below the battered self to see what lies below…sadness.
His baby is due at months end so naturally you don’t take a 6 hour drive to another state when at any moment you might go into labor… so I should not feel this way. I should not feel that Mother-in-Laws are a necessary evil in the eyes of Daughter-in-Laws. I made a remark when he called last night and wonder whose mouth it came out of.
“Well, if you ever come home for Christmas again…” I said, and couldn’t believe I said it.
I emailed him later after lying in bed unable to sleep, the bitterness of resentment still lingering on my tongue. Coming out by the fire I write and tears come. How easily I eat feelings, and these feelings most especially in the hopes of keeping the peace. But they need expression no matter how irrational they are. I tried not to feel them so badly I didn’t know I had them.
I’m sorry we seem to be having some friction. I’m just sad you live so far away and that your child is one I probably won’t know very well… I also miss seeing you for not just one but for both holidays. I try to be a good sport but it is hard as it seems the first time I’ve not seen you at least at Christmastime. If it comes out sideways try to remember it is only that.