JINXED

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I just knew it! Talk about sleeping well and you won’t. No sleep, up a 1 am, then 3 am the next night. Jinxed. There is no reason for it. Nothing I know that is bothering me.

Yesterday after waking drained and tired, I plodded along so down, dredging my body around like a snail, but kept moving. Eventually I felt good, not because of all the usual tasks completed; tidying, cooking, time with Cindy, meditation and walking….but because I had a very fruitful conversation with myself.

OK, you feel down, down on myself, life, everything. Here you have everything for a contented, happy life. You SHOULD be happy and content. I remember a blogger’s words, something about ‘should’ meaning I must. One cannot force or berate a feeling away.

Lingering on my low feelings, knowing lack of sleep plays a big part in it, a new voice was brought in. Not the critical, demeaning voice, but, “How can you treat yourself lovingly today.” That added a whole new dimension to the day, a depth, and satisfying fullness.

Tired as I felt, I mulled over conversations with both sons in the morning before they arrived at work. One from Boston on Skype. He wanted me to scan his bookshelves and pack up some for his brother to bring next week when they visit for his baby shower.

The other, Shane, normally chats with us on his way to work in the city. I realized, especially after seeing Cory and how sleepy he was, each has a hard job each day, making a living, taking care of a family, and all the other things one must do to keep their lives going. It takes work.

I have my job too. We may have completed that portion of our lives, the need to get out there and make a living, but we still have a job to do. And life at all places of the journey has challenges.

You met them before. If you didn’t, your sons wouldn’t be where they are today. Meet them now. You have all you need; courage, strength, talent, compassion and intelligence. Use it. Use these gifts and proceed.

You don’t have to change the world, just be. Sitting by creek swelled after the recent rains, the stillness matches my insides—not a chirp or a peep, hardly a breeze. Nature takes my hand and soothes. She holds me.

Walking back through the large, crisp, brown leaves, the nostalgia of times past and wishes of it all being different are crunched away with each footfall. It’s OK to feel whatever is bubbling up. It will pass and you can handle it.

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7 thoughts on “JINXED

  1. I’m glad to see you taking a gentle tone with yourself. You are right, there is no “should” when it comes to feelings. We can only accept whatever feelings come and treat ourselves gently. You are very wise about this.

    Liked by 1 person

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