PEACE

picture-3185

The dreams about Don kept coming, so vivid. Sleeplessness too, waking after a dream feeling something urgent needed doing, but what? After no reply from a newsy email to him, I emailed again keeping out any criticism about being totally ignored but integrating concern that no reply was forthcoming.

An answer came so I initiated a visit on the way back from lunch with Shane, something we do now and then at his cafeteria; more like a four star restaurant because the chef’s try out their new recipes which are previewed in the store’s magazine sent out free during the changing seasons.

These lunches with Shane have brought us closer. It is easy to lose closeness with one’s grown child when they do what they are meant to do, become independent. And in his case that means job, family and kids. So we see him outside of those responsibilities at his workplace.

He takes pride in sharing this with us. So do I; seeing how far he has come, what he has accomplished, and what he can do…it fills me full up, bursting with fullness and wonder. How can my kids do and be so much when I struggled so and still do? Just miraculous.

It has been over two years since I’ve seen Don and his wife even though they live in the city near-by. It was time, but has taken me this long to feel ready. It was OK, not great, because being with so called ‘family’ means being half of myself.

It is not OK to talk about reality. I won’t ask WHY you didn’t help, do something, anything. When you rushed into the bathroom because I was screaming in the tub because it hurt ‘down there’ did you tell Mom? Not that it would have helped or mattered if you did.

If you or Seth had intervened somehow, could you have spared me from Tom, Chet and Paul’s attacks? Is it fair to expect that of a 16 or 14 year old?

Of course I say nothing of this. I pretend which causes a great deal of sadness inside myself for what could been and for still wishing for what could have been. I did feel more real because I have spoken up enough for others to pay attention to the fact that I’m not a puppet but a real person who deserves respect. Cross the boundary and I will object. 

I gaze at Don, his arms thinner occurring as one ages, his hair in disarray. He just turned 70. I have a deep connection with him despite our estrangement. And though he doesn’t speak of my past, nor I, I believe the depth of his inner rooms hold my pain.

It is unfair of me to say he doesn’t care, as I believe he always has cared. During my tumultuous 20’s he saved me. I cannot hold him responsible for what happened to me, though these last beseeching remnants remain like lingering dust balls in hidden corners.

Nor will I  ask why he didn’t or couldn’t save me. That scrapes sorrow against tender tissues within that no answer can explain or remove. That we bridged the estrangement is enough for now.

I feel present with him not in need of him like I once did.

I sleep deep and long and feel at peace.

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “PEACE

  1. One of my biggest challenges is learning how to stop trying to control “how” people care about me. I’m trying to teach myself that just because someone doesn’t love me the way I expect them to love me, doesn’t mean that love doesn’t exist. Something I think I’ll be working on eternally…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. It would be incredibly difficult to sit through a conversation and not be really saying what I felt. But I wonder, if you did ask that question, what would he say. How would he answer if you asked why he didn’t do anything.

    Like

    1. That is a very good question, one I have no answer to.
      Since the estrangement with Don began during my Mother’s decline 7 years ago, the rift that exists still lingers.
      I felt betrayed and rejected when he cleaved to Tom. I was on my own. I became the outsider that he ousted. Tom must have loved it.
      I did behave irrationally. Losing her made me crazy. I would never again have the chance of finding the love I craved. Not till the very end, the day before she died, her hand in mine, we lay down our swords and made amends.
      Don chose anger and rejection towards me. I can’t say that I blame him. Until now I have not been able to forgive or get past it.
      I will not rely on him again. Which also means I don’t care enough to ask nor does it matter except that it causes pain and sadness to think, ‘what if.’ What if anyone, someone of all the people who knew did SOMETHING.
      I have to care more about caring for me. Family as in ‘family of origin’ does not exist for me.

      Like

      1. I was curious I think if you wanted to know the answer. I completely understand now.
        I’ve stopped waiting, myself, as I know my family will never do what they should do as they never have. My family, too, is the one I created now

        Liked by 1 person

        1. This past year with health issues, especially the 4 day stretch in the hospital when I thought it really was the ‘end’… I realized who is close and is there for me- my husband and sons.
          Interaction with others comes with restrictions…that I don’t speak truths. And not one was close enough to even know of my hospital stay. I’m equally responsible for the rifts. It is just how that group of people copes, like buoys bobbing up and down in the sea each on their own.

          Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s