FORGIVE?

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How do you come back from that, defiling a sister’s body? You don’t.  How do I forgive? I didn’t. The best I can do is forgive that I cannot forgive. And how could I? I needed to talk about my pain to release and forgive. I had to pay strangers to listen. For years I paid and did the work.

The pressure to ‘forgive’ came from those who don’t know of what they ask. Forgive. I forgive myself for being born. I forgive my body for responding in the way god meant it to respond. I forgive myself for loving them, the monsters of my nightmares, the brothers I loved and trusted who chose to commit evil acts against me. I forgive my mother.

But mostly the forgiveness continues for myself within as I take each day and make it the best and work at healing what others have done. A child who must contain such evil acts and live with her tormentors expels the evil in other ways unlike the person she truly is.

I look for her each day, this woman who is lovable, beautiful and free. I forgive what they have done by forgiving her and all the years of hating her. I learn to accept all of me with open arms, forgiveness and love.

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9 thoughts on “FORGIVE?

  1. Thank you for posting this! I really struggle with forgiving myself. It seems easier or more natural to be mad at myself for what happened, than mad at my abuser. Not sure why that is. I’m working hard in therapy to forgive myself and move on. Again, thanks for sharing. I needed this today 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I struggle too and believe it all has to do with secrecy, and forced to contain it by being shamed into silence.
      A child takes things in around her as if it is her fault whether divorce, abuse, parents yelling…
      Secrecy and containment compounds those tendencies dramatically and in my case changed my personality and being.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This was beautiful. I think I struggle with forgiveness because in my head forgiveness equals letting it go or saying it was okay.

    When really forgiveness isn’t saying something was right, but it’s hard not to feel that way.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve really been struggling with this idea of forgiving myself, or even the idea that there is nothing to forgive myself for because I did nothing wrong. Thank you for sharing this. I’m really so glad that you are finding ways to forgive yourself. You don’t need to carry that burden any longer– you never should have had to carry it. Xx

    Like

    1. I dropped that burden quite a while back. What is harder is the feeling of wrongness or badness embedded into my personality. That takes continual work, confrontation and questioning. Is that really valid. Does it hold any truth, or is a conditioned response from feeling bad about what was being done to you and what others would think of ME if they knew.

      Liked by 1 person

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