PEACE and GRACE

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I think therapy for me is needed in times of crisis. And when that happens I can trust myself to seek it out. And this summer was a crisis, one I’m still grieving from. I don’t have ‘family’ connections in terms of ‘family of origin.’ Only if on other’s terms, which requires I play a part that extinguishes my very existence in order to inter-relate; to be a puppet that fits their needs.

I have made my own family both in blood with sons and grand-children, in marriage and with a few close friends who are more open and loving to me than ‘family.’ It is still a loss all over again.

I had clung to these three siblings (out of seven) who did not attack me sexually, and thought at least I had them. No, not if one speaks of the truth. They are there only on their terms and each one has them.

I’m to be a mute robotic doll, and rejected when not doing as each wants. It is a very powerful and successful tool to silence me. Rejection works and it is used coldly with ferocity.   

Two collude. Two knew of what was happening and did nothing. I am sad. I will have to live with what my brothers did to me for the rest of my life; post traumatic stress symptoms are the hardest to deal with though loss of trust for any living human being is another of the many significant losses.

The three that ignore and deny will never say, “I’m sorry for what you suffered. And I’m sorry I didn’t help you then.” No one helped, not them, not the school nurse who was also my aunt and knew, not my mother, no one.

I was deserted. I am deserted once again. My last trip to the hospital in an ambulance that felt like a heart attack this past summer, was an attack on the heart by desertion. It is a very sad loss to grieve.

A simple garage sale sets off alarms in my system with anxiety. I wake in the night with a start, ‘Did I price this right, or that?’ And it doesn’t matter because I am donating it anyway. So why the freak can’t you calm down?

Because I really can’t. That’s all it takes to set off an automatic response and I’m awake in the night again making friends with the 3 AM news team.

It makes me feel bad, a failure. Why can’t I do these things like others do; travel (though short trips with Samuel works nicely), sleep at another’s house with ease, have a freaking garage sale? And each time I must remember my real life that these so called ‘brothers’ ignore and deny.

I’ve been traumatized so deeply and had to hold it all in— as a child, an adolescent, a young adult, a middle-aged adult, and now on the cusp of the next stage— the PTSD stays. With no intervention at the time of traumas damage is done, and for me it is for a life-time.

If anything it is worse. Or I have made such a life of peace and harmony that even little disruptions in routine set off my nervous system interfering with sleep. After waking at 3 AM for several mornings, the usual attempts to find my center and move through the day smoothly with contentment vanish.

Peace comes while walking in the warm sunny meadow, and I am grateful for these moments which make each day worthwhile…and stunning. Autumn with less daylight upsets the balance also. Some thing broken cannot fixed just managed. 

I don’t know why Don can’t be bothered to answer my email. He was one out who of the blue contacted me via email a month or so ago. Of course I answered though I thought I might not because he usually never answered mine. That is why I stopped emailing. So he opened up that channel of communication only to ignore/reject me once more.

Don’t share yourself again that way. I will never know how Don, Seth, or Stevie feel about anything except their anger. They readily express anger. I have felt their anger but not their love. And that does not look like it is changing except that is has worsened. 

Adele stated with surety, “Stay with the present. Spend short periods of time with each one or via email and stick with the present even if it is fake.” 

I protest. My present is my past. A therapist with wisdom will not tout such sureties because there are none, no real answers or right and wrong, only what is right for me. Guide me towards that. ‘I don’t know’, is more helpful than seeming to know what you don’t.

Back to the life I’ve created which makes me happy. 

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6 thoughts on “PEACE and GRACE

  1. You are finding your own way and it is the right way.

    As you say, your present is your past. And your past is your present. It’s how we make sense of things today that counts… and tomorrow a different meaning may come. It’s about learning to trust–not “them”–but ourselves. I’m beginning to think that’s what we need.

    I also would like to reach out and say that sometimes the answers are right here in sharing and being validated by the people we meet in this wonderful virtual world. Meeting you and listening to you gives me courage, connection and hope through all of this.

    xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am just reading this now and o don’t know but I went and read through all your posts about Adele and I just really sad for you.
    One day I was apologizing to my T for being such a pain in the neck and rehashing my life must get old. I must have told her that I was sorry that I’m living in the past. Her response was that I was NOT living in the past but that the PAST LIVES IN ME. Oh my gosh, yes! That’s so how I feel at times. It explains how the past gets tangled up in our present. Why even when we are blessed with grace we often get overwhelmed and irritated. And I just wanted to share that pearl. What happened with Adele stinks like the therapist who wondered out loud if my grandpa might be my father.

    Liked by 1 person

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