Breathe. Each moment races ahead, while finishing this task my mind already is on the next one. Breathe. Slow down, and why berate yourself for this ongoing challenge of being in the moment here and now? It is the not my doing, but the trauma early on. Yes, even though over 50 years ago, it is so and will continue to take effort.
Being out of my body, out of my mind, these are the ways that I am. I accept that. I also learned that with time and daily meditation I can pull in the busy electrons, all those parts swirling around me— my center like a magnet pulling them in making me whole.
The 30 minute alarm buzzes as the cat raises her head. Rising I feel centered, complete, grounded. Molly pads over to where my body laid and curls up in the warmth. If I walk up and down the hallway putting things away and cleaning up prior to the meditation time, she claws, biting at my feet as if to say, “come on lady, you’re confusing me. It’s time to meditate.”
It helps me to be in the moment, a time I learned early on to escape. It’s not safe here and now. People will hurt me. And the safety thing has not abated nor the ease in which my nervous system goes haywire needing a day or two, or months to settle down. I find comfort in solitude. But I also like being around people and sometimes being a part of a group.
I have re-joined my beloved chorale that I belonged to for over 15 years. Feeling part of a group can be worthwhile as long as no one upsets the delicate equilibrium that is mostly maintained in solitude. Singing brings such joy when the blending is just right or the song touches deeply.
When I began so many years ago, my knees shook and my hands trembled. I didn’t inter-relate with anybody and was withdrawn and stony as a cement block. Fear kept me entombed. Still I attended because music and singing has been the one thing I participated in as far back as Junior and Senior High School…nothing else but that. I took the leap and joined the adult chorale despite feeling terrified and even though others could not hear my whispered voice.
Over the years I grew, not only in singing ability and being better able to read music, but also I made many friends. That is how I found women friends to attend monthly groups at our various homes for about as long as I’ve been a part of chorale. These are miraculous feats. I have friends that I’ve been able to keep and not drive away due to trust issues and fear.
Stick to the path of what you want, whether it’s the joy of a hobby, exposure to people who may feel terrifying, or whatever you want and feel you need. Others don’t really notice you as much you may think or feel that they do. People are very much involved in their own lives and ‘stuff.’ And if they do notice or say inappropriate or unkind things the chance is that they do it to everyone and cause their own walls.
We are only one blip in the universe. Pursue your dreams and what you need persistently. You will succeed eventually if you do not give up… do not give up.
Grow where you are planted…