(photos from patio on a sunny September morning)

I wake and eventually get up thinking, today I will be a real person. Such thoughts. But it is more than a thought. I grew up since the first attack feeling as if I wasn’t real or worthy of the things others naturally were worthy of, like eating.

Others eat out of hunger and enjoy it. Hunger? That became so twisted at age 8. I ate to escape. I still eat to escape. To eat from hunger is a delight, slowly, intentionally, tasting the flavors and textures. Also providing a meal that is sustaining and made with care.

People actually eat and enjoy it. Others eat food and don’t get fat. How is that? I don’t eat out of enjoyment. I eat to feel full fast, feel bad about myself so I don’t feel other pain, and to fill holes that deeply hunger for other things that I don’t know how to provide for; self-esteem, self-love, self-caring.

This is a new journey and not one I would make if I didn’t have to due to complications from the stomach stapling done over 30 years ago. My body cannot tolerate eating out of emotion. My body gives me cues but I have to be in it to listen, hear and feel them.

That is the dilemma. I run from body unconsciously. I didn’t realize how much. I leave it in the most benign of circumstances. Even having a dinner here for my son and family, I lose touch with my body and how it feels as a mouthful goes down. There is too much stimulation around me or I pay too attention to others and not enough to myself.

It is no wonder I find peace and solace in solitude and at home. The stimuli is less and also known so alarm bells are quiet most of the time. I am glad I have given myself permission to live the life I’ve worked for and now have. That I don’t have to do or be anything more than what I decide is right for me. I can live life slowly with ease in-between the endless upheavals.

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  1. This is so beautifully written. I can relate so well to the ‘paying too much attention to others’ and not being relaxed enough to chew my food and eat mindfully. And also, the sometimes overpowering stimuli from the outside that make sit easier for me to be alone. I feel so much more relaxed and in control when alone, being around others makes me leave myself somehow and focus on their needs and thoughts etc. It’s uncanny how the effects of childhood sexual abuse are so disturbing and how we can see them across the board for so many of us. I am sorry that you suffer like this but I hear your inner strength and deep self-awareness shining through. It’s a long long journey back to ourselves.
    I am by your side 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The process of healing is a long. long. journey., but your intuition is there. That is what is most important, for it is our own *intuition* that cannot be stolen or taken away. Keep on listening to yourself and I too am by your side.

    Liked by 1 person

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