A common thread among those sexually attacked as children, and made to keep quiet about it, is the feeling of separateness. One does not have to be quiet about being hit by a truck. Childhood sexual abuse is a taboo subject, even now in the modern era.

Confusion, undue shame, fears, and so much more from the sexual attacks during childhood. grows as the child grows.  She is given no love, support or help. Instead she is ostracized if she dare speak of it, compounding the wounds, melding them into her personality’s make-up. She becomes shame as if she is so shameful she no longer belongs. This is the destruction, not the abuse, but what comes after..or doesn’t come. 

One can begin to find relief by sharing and bringing it out in the open in the hopes it is received with loving acceptance. Some never do because a child feels shame that is not the child’s, yet she retains it and it grows with her.

Even if one is lucky and courageous enough to speak about these things with the right person, or on a blog, or with a therapist, the years of keeping it in changes the little girl now grown into a woman. For me it has.

It is very difficult to find my voice, feel my feelings, or take good care of myself. I am foreign to my own being. Finding my center, my ‘home’, that place inside that others live in so easily, is a place I’ve lived apart from and have a hard time nestling into and staying.

be easy

17 thoughts on “‘HOME’

  1. Love this.

    I know home is inside me, but I feel like Dorothy before she understood she had what it took to go home all along.

    “You are coming home to yourself.” A process. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thank you for this. It’s really timely for me and something I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. I absolutely relate to this. I had therapy today and spoke about that sense of always being “outside of”. I also feel that I have no continuity of identity because of the abuse. I feel a completely separate person and identify when I think of my relationship with my abuser or with my mother: husband and wife yet I am definitely split. Speak soon and take care xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes. And I am sorry for your losses, and that such pain occurred that your psyche protected you from it until you could remember.
      I know of one traumatic, violent event that my psyche still will not allow up.


  3. This. It’s exactly it. That empty feeling, that you can’t get where you belong. Only you described it so much better than I could. It’s just so hard. You do have a voice, though. Here, in your book, and other places as you choose. I read your blog and am always amazed at how you use your voice. Xx💟

    Liked by 1 person

  4. “It is very difficult to find my voice, feel my feelings, or take good care of myself.” – this really resonates with me. I was talking to my therapist about self care. I have a tendency to not take care of my own self physically (especially my hair and face). It actually feels like it takes a lot more energy than it should. I feel as though it’s just a battle because it’s so foreign. It’s as though I am fighting myself, or like I’m not caring for my own self. And it’s often as though I don’t want to do it or that I am resistant.


    1. Thank you for sharing Lynne. That disconnect seems to happen in many ways, and I’m sorry you experience it.
      Maybe think of caring for a little girl, how you would lovingly and gently brush her hair, enjoying the process.
      I learned I was not worthy of care, love and protection or only with conditions. So it takes daily effort to counter those messages.

      Liked by 1 person

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