Authentic? Adele mentioned it. I take it as becoming authentic once again within myself. I haven’t been. I’ve been in pursuit of approval. Taking a week at the lake was finding out if Stevie was still talking to me. I spoke up for once in my life and said ‘NO’ about something. And I talked of my past. Then acted like, “I’m sorry I was abused. Will you still talk to me?”
No one has ever thought that pliable, pleasing me would do more than a lump of Play-Doh—be molded. So my fear has run me, and run me from my own self. I need to get back to what it is that makes me feel good about me.
Not worries of what others want, need, think of me, or prod me to do. I need to find my way back ‘home.’ I’ve lost that safety, that place to reside where no matter what happens I am alright because I have me to care for me.
Do I want to really go have coffee with Don? No I don’t. Do I want to send hollow emails to Seth with photos? No, I don’t. Do I want to go back to the lake to be able to see Stevie again? No, he can come here next time. And he will, he uses my home as a pit stop when the need arises.
Do I want to feel alright with me and what I think of me…yes I do.
I get stuck with a thought or a worry and it can take months to move off it. This past mind loop has been brothers I thought I could relate to as the woman I am now. And the woman I am now is connected to her past not running from it. If they can’t or won’t hear how my present problems relate to past problems, then why bother. Why bother because that is fake.
Adele’s one-liner put me back on track. She says, “Have coffee or whatever but go with what is now.”
But Adele, now is then too. If that is the case then why would I want to? It is more of the same, playing the game of silence. And I won’t do it.
I need to careful about Adele or anyone like her, any therapist. I easily put them on a place higher than me then put more weight on their opinions than my own. I easily become the child, them the parent. I don’t intend to lose myself while finding myself. I don’t intend to get dependent on her or anyone else.