Part of the trauma of childhood sexual abuse is the silence. Be quiet. Keep all that in on tiny shoulders. Love the ones who attack you. I think it is more traumatizing that the attacks themselves, each one an attack on my little body taking a bit of me each time. Though after a while it became a part of my daily life, it mattered, each taking away a piece of me until little was left but a shell.

I hoped to finally share the truth of my life. I cannot. I have to continue to act a certain way because if I don’t an edge comes into the voice of a brother I thought I loved. Don’t you dare. I’ll abandon you, intimidate you, and silence you with a mean voice and hard edged eyes. And each of three does this in their own way, and has perfected ways to silence me. One uses protests of poverty then takes a cruise to Alaska. I am easily manipulated. 

Is that love? Is it love when pressured to play a part, act as if the very fact that I experienced traumas is something I have to continue to be silent about for your comfort, shielding you from?

This is ingrained into a child at the time. Be quiet, take it in as yours, and the only thing that matters is the comfort of others. I’m 63 and still feel I need to keep quiet to brothers because they do not want to hear or know what their other brothers did. Each want to continue to interact with the only one left, Tom, as if he did not do what he did. Don’t interfere with that. 

I feel victimized and ostracized, muzzled and afraid. I have every right to scream out my pain, but I still keep it in because they don’t and won’t hear. I lack whatever it is that allows honesty and quietly stating my own truths. Each has a way of acting nasty which scares me if I dare even hint at any of my pain and past tragedies when a child

In November while hospitalized for 4 days I thought it was the end. My husband, and sons were there for me. No one else. And I was OK with that.  I realized during that time that the three out of seven who did not touch me sexually, who I considered ‘family’, are not. They are not there for me, not really. Or only if I pretend because talking about my real life is not allowed.

Their rules, not mine. And I live by them, or did until I let the link out for my book. I began regretting that I did that. I’ve lived quite peacefully since publishing SHATTERED and with a full life. But now I feel bad and small, just as I always used to.

I wait for someone to step up and apologize with true sorrow. That’s what I wait for but it never comes. Not from any of them. Yet I keep in contact with each one, playing the part. 


16 thoughts on “FAMILY?

  1. What a painful position to be in. I guess I’m lucky that I have only two brothers: one that violated me, and one who knew nothing until just a few years ago (who has been nothing but supportive to me). I’m sorry for your situation.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is why I nolonger speak to any of them. It is very hard. It is very isolating. But I could nolonger play the part they wanted me to play. I waited for apologies that never came. It took me 40 years to finally walk away. I thought even then apologies would come. They didn’t. Those people choose to live in denial. I just can’t do that anymore. I feel for what you are going through. It is so hard to know what to do and what to expect and what to hope for.


  3. It’s too bad these abusers rarely apologize. They are selfish and only think about themselves. Many don’t even think what they did was wrong. Same goes for their sympathizers. Sorry you’ve had to live with this. It’s very hard to overcome wanting acceptance from family and wanting apologies that will most often not come.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Crimes within families go unpunished. The child is the one continually punished all through life with their silence and conspiracy against her.
      I wonder if Don, Seth, or Stevie would be so friendly with Tom if he had crept up in the night and committed oral sex on their daughters.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. All of my abusers have passed away and I dont know if that is any better. I am so angry that I cannot confront them now that I remember. None of this is fair


    1. Nope, you’re right. Thank you Alice.
      I didn’t realize a little girl still resided inside wishing for help that didn’t come then and can’t come now. Not from others that is, but it can come from me.


      1. It just saddens me that it has to come from you. I wish I could make help magically appear and just have somehow happened, been a part of your past. Because it doesn’t seem fair to me, is all. Hugs to that little girl, and maybe some magical wishes, too, ok? Just because sometimes they are useful……💟

        Liked by 1 person

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