WHY?

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Waking at 2:30 am. Again? Something needs my attention. Four hours is not enough, but I will make the best of it. Walking along the road I remember the wonder of Spring, how alive I felt. What happened to it? I take the Summer for granted. Breathe deep. Enjoy the feel of the pebbles underneath my sneakers, look around, get out of your mind.

But of course my mind drifts to that zone where nothing hurts and everything is alright…safe. At the point where I turn around the tall poplars are beginning to drop their leaves, fall is coming. Grab onto what Summer is left.

I turn for the walk back forgetting to breathe in the scent of the pines because I’m thinking. Wake to the moment, that’s all you have. I feel restless with the usual past-times, puzzles, movies, and cooking, yet do all of them and more.

I finally go back into the studio after a summer respite from it. That beautiful butterfly needs grout but I need energy to focus to do it so. So I set her up on the wall appreciating her beauty and sparkle. Putting away assorted items that have collected, I light balsam incense. When everything looks neat for the next day’s work, I move on to another chore.

By day’s end I find myself. I feel peace from my angst. I walked, meditated and lived the day the best I could. The big questions of Why am I here, What is my purpose, go unanswered. But that is OK. I just am and my job is to learn to love myself, care for me, and care for my thoughts about me. That is my job. All else flows from there…

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5 thoughts on “WHY?

  1. Well i am certainly glad Patricia that you are here. A beautiful post. I find your posts literally take me with you on your journey. I think many of us ask that question, including myself, “why”? Breathe in the last of the soon to be this year, summer breeze I know I am. 🐝

    Liked by 1 person

  2. “Get out of my mind…..But of course my mind continues to drift where nothing hurts and everything is all right.” This, right here. It’s everything trauma taught us, that being in the present is not safe, that being in the place where we are numb and not here is the only safe place to be. It’s not true, but so hard to teach our brains and bodies that the present moment is safe. So often I struggle too, with my usual distractions or things I can focus on not working. Sometimes then, doing something not the norm is what helps– for me that means painting or playing a video game or something. I don’t know.

    As for it being the end of summer, that is always hard. The beginning of summer, it is always new, and while the experiences of summer aren’t exactly new they feel new after being frozen in winter got so long. At the end of summer it feels as if Summer’s magic is wearing off, but it’s not gone. We still have this moment as you said, and fall has its own special kind of magic. Breathe and marvel at summers magic in this moment, right here, right now. Don’t ever stop working towards loving yourself. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

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