After the cardiology appointment I thought more about my needs, and how hard this past year has been. He believes anxiety played the main part in my last hospital stay. I wondered again about support and having a place where I can sort out my fears about my body and my feelings towards siblings.
It was a gigantic step relaying to siblings about writing a book. Yet the ‘conspiracy of silence’ still exists.
“Yes,” the doctor answered, after I asked if the mind and emotions can really speed up the heartbeat.
“But I’ve dealt with high anxiety all my life. Is it because an older body can’t tolerate it as easily?” I implore him to tell me it is not ‘all in my mind.’
He looks at me steadily noticing I exist, then replies as he nods he head yes again, “Yes. But I want you to return in three weeks. We’ll see what’s going on. And schedule one more test on the way out. They should have done that in the hospital, an ultrasound.”
I agree, then leave thoughtfully. My heart racing over thoughts and feelings? That has never happened before, that I’d meditate only to have my heart race rather than slow. My body is telling me something important if that is true. That my usual methods of calming myself are not enough. Too much has piled up.
How to reach her, the easiest way is to her website and I hit the contact button. If I don’t hear back that way, I’ll pick up the phone and leave a message.
Dipping my toe into the therapeutic process scares me. I do not want to give up my independence and all I’ve gained on my own, which is listening to my own voice. I easily give my power away and get lost in another person, diminishing myself, losing myself in the process.
How to hold on to that while growing? How to take what I need and leave the rest…?____________________________________________________________
I am sorry for changing my mind, but after you mentioned not having time to get to know me and vice versa, that made sense to me. A few more appointments would be worth my time and effort. If you still have time next week I can come Friday and if not we can go into the following week.
Morning Has Broken…
thank you Cat Stevens
This little beauty seemed unafraid and I was able to go so close I almost touched him! I wish I could share the thick sweet scent that the butterfly bush emits which attracts so many, 4 on one bush today…