I felt like kicking my heels in the air with relief and giddiness. I despaired of finding anyone who I could talk to. Overwhelmed with the process of finding a therapist out of the telephone book, I put it away until I could tackle it again, feeling dizzy with trying to keep each one straight. But I did keep trying, and persisted, taking it slowly, taking breaks, my notebook filling up.
It surprises me how many don’t bother to call back because their practice is full, but when there’s an opening weeks later they call. Um, no. Though desperation makes me allow for exceptions I wouldn’t make otherwise.
I finally found two qualified people and have a choice. After the ease in answering questions yesterday at therapist #1, I knew she was the one. I babbled like a waterfall, the accumulation of tears falling gently along with the answers to her questions. I was so exhausted after returning home I curled up and slept till morning.
It has been a hard year with health issues and three stays in the hospital. The things that kept happening to my body which I couldn’t control set off my nervous system and it’s been on high alert ever since.
A few times tears would fall, once during a kayak paddle on the lake, a place where the lulling rocking and scenic mountains edging the water ought to bring a person to place of peace.
“Samuel, I feel afraid, afraid of living. Life is scary and hard,” I cry, the fear, even in this peaceful place, filling my body, making it hard to gather my usual strength and courage that meets each day.
“Life is hard,” Samuel responds, “I have that test Monday when we get back. How do think I feel about that?”
He has an ultrasound yearly to keep tract of the existing blockage in the carotid artery along his neck to insure it doesn’t worsen.
I sigh. It does relieve some tension knowing I am not alone in my fears, and Samuel surprised me admitting a feeling. He’d rather do just about anything other than talk about feelings.
Life goes on and we live it, yet the fear compounded with other things began to make me feel on edge constantly without realizing it. To finally have a place to unload makes me feel alive again. Reserves of hope, strength, even joy rush in, and I already feel a great burden has been lifted.