I felt like kicking my heels in the air with relief and giddiness. I despaired of finding anyone who I could talk to. Overwhelmed with the process of finding a therapist out of the telephone book, I put it away until I could tackle it again, feeling dizzy with trying to keep each one straight. But I did keep trying, and persisted, taking it slowly, taking breaks, my notebook filling up.

It surprises me how many don’t bother to call back because their practice is full, but when there’s an opening weeks later they call. Um, no. Though desperation makes me allow for exceptions I wouldn’t make otherwise.

I finally found two qualified people and have a choice. After the ease in answering questions yesterday at therapist #1, I knew she was the one. I babbled like a waterfall, the accumulation of tears falling gently along with the answers to her questions. I was so exhausted after returning home I curled up and slept till morning. 

It has been a hard year with health issues and three stays in the hospital. The things that kept happening to my body which I couldn’t control set off my nervous system and it’s been on high alert ever since.

A few times tears would fall, once during a kayak paddle on the lake, a place where the lulling rocking and scenic mountains edging the water ought to bring a person to place of peace.

“Samuel, I feel afraid, afraid of living. Life is scary and hard,” I cry, the fear, even in this peaceful place, filling my body, making it hard to gather my usual strength and courage that meets each day.

“Life is hard,” Samuel responds, “I have that test Monday when we get back. How do think I feel about that?”

He has an ultrasound yearly to keep tract of the existing blockage in the carotid artery along his neck to insure it doesn’t worsen.

I sigh. It does relieve some tension knowing I am not alone in my fears, and Samuel surprised me admitting a feeling. He’d rather do just about anything other than talk about feelings.

Life goes on and we live it, yet the fear compounded with other things began to make me feel on edge constantly without realizing it. To finally have a place to unload makes me feel alive again. Reserves of hope, strength, even joy rush in, and I already feel a great burden has been lifted.

15 thoughts on “GIDDY

  1. I know the feelings, though I’ve had the same therapist for the past couple of years. It can be exhausting. I was so looking forward to my appointment today. She had told me last time to get a spiral bound notebook, and write done some topics that I want to deal with in therapy. My list became quite long and I had to write on the other side of the sheet of paper as well. About 15 minutes before my pick up time (I require special transportation due to the wheelchair), I started thinking about whether or not I had called and arranged for the transportation for this morning. Finally I just called the company and asked them. No. I was not on the schedule for today. How. Could. I. Forget. Transportation? My next scheduled appointment with her is in three weeks, due to my being out of town for more wheelchair sports. I was sooo angry, at myself, for not making the arrangements. My emotions are extreme and the anger just churned away in my stomach. She just scheduled me for another appointment – two weeks from now, just before my trip to Chicago for three days, Sorry, I didn’t mean to write a whole post in your comment section…


  2. Having a therapist to talk to and process things with is the best thing that has happened to me and my life. The rest of my life is great, but is made so much better by the two hours of talking with the therapist every week. I really hope it works out the same for you.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Sometimes just knowing there is someone “there” to call on or to catch us is enough. Although it may be good to have a few appointments just so you each know each other better, so if you do need to call on her, she will have a sense of who you are, your history, and the best way to support you. Just a thought………

        Liked by 1 person

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