It took 24 hours for that feeling to ‘float’ away, that gut thing that feels like a cavern with no end. I hated it, wanted it away. It would slip away, then return, over and over. I did what I could, chopped the fresh garden vegetables and made a casserole, shredded the giant zucchini, making cinnamon bread and muffins, freezing the rest for zucchini bread in the winter, and then boiled the over-ripe tomatoes just enough to slip the skins to chop up for the casserole.
I biked along the canal, trying to be in the moment, noticing the sparkles on the water, the wave of a leaf, but nothing could get me to enter that sweet place inside where all was at peace.
Since returning home all I could think about was what I could have done better, or said better, or didn’t do right. I think those thoughts are distractions from the pain in my belly. Was I missing Cory? This time I don’t think so. Was I missing Stevie? This felt true. Yet?
It wasn’t until near the end of the second day home during my 2 hour float in the pool that I began to feel better. It took nearly all two hours for that feeling to dissolve. Part of it was figuring out just what it was. I was missing something, what was it? I made some mistakes, I needed to forgive myself for my humanness.
Was that all, was that it? I think so. Even with a younger brother there are issues that go way back for both us because neither of us received the attention we needed or deserved because there wasn’t any. And it may have caused some roadblocks. But more than that was the wish for a closer connection with Stevie.
I relay to Samuel after repeated bouts of tears and expressing the feeling of that cavernous pit opening wide inside, “I wish I had a closer connection with Stevie. Yet we are very close even without words. And without connecting much, even years, we are still very close.”
I really wish we could talk about things, yet realizing we have a closeness in spite of the separation was a revelation. They mentioned their daughter often and it was good that they felt comfortable to talk about her.
There is something so nutritive about water, both at the lake, and in our new pool. By the end of a 2 hour float, whatever is bothering me, however I needed renewal, I’m renewed. I float round and round wondering, talking to myself. “Yesterday is over, tomorrow hasn’t happened. All you have is the present moment.” Live it! It’s OK. Be OK, you’re OK.
Going underwater, even if only for seconds, brings moments of totality, feeling whole, peaceful and attuned to the world by being separated from it completely in silence.
Be in moment where ever you are, find peace.