“keep the peace within,” where has it been, that deep peace. Anxiety rules. Yet I’ve been unaware of the anxiety until a trip to the ER in the ambulance woke me up to it and how anxiety has played a role in upsetting all of my body systems.
I crave that deep and sustaining peace I felt and once had not long ago. Yet daily events, interactions with others, even loved ones, maybe especially those, cause anxiety.
I underestimate what I’ve taken on. 63 years of held secrets. It wasn’t enough to write the book, purge the tarry oily scum that others had shoved down me, I had to let Don, Seth and Stevie know. My head didn’t do it, it came from another place ethereal that won’t be silenced any longer.
I have broken the taboo that has existed since the beginning the time. I spoke the truth about sexual abuse within a family, no less a crime because it is family, more so. Yet we do not speak of it.
I did. I am scared, anxious, and alone. How can I do what society, my mother, my friends, what everyone has trained me not to do?
This morning I sat on the back porch with coffee. One baby morning dove has left the next. The other took off when I was meditating, trying to come back and hanging onto the screen but Molly jumped at it scaring it away. Once leaving the next you don’t come back. So it seems with family.
I feel that deep peace that has escaped me. I’m not sure why I feel it this morning but I’ve been craving it since the dental surgery. It has taken that long to come to terms with feeling stepped on and abused. And allowing it. I feel back in my body. I have moments of feeling like who I really am.
That may seem like such an absurd statement, but others seem settled in who they are. I am just discovering her. It scares me. What else will arise from the deep, deep place that my head won’t have time to muzzle?
Who am I really, if not what others have molded, that sweet, dutiful, pleasing ghost of a girl?