LIES

Picture 2431

Ongoing pressure in my chest is related to real physical problems, that of inflammation and some congestion. That is my diagnosis. Add to that the real risk of a heart attack related to family history, along with the terror of my body doing things I don’t understand and all symptoms worsen. But another element tinkles like a soft bell in the background of a busy mind: Family of Origin. 

It still hurts that Seth was brash with his words. Tears fell yesterday as his words came back hauntingly, “None of us will read it!” referring to my book. That hurts, and in ways that go deep, way back to the beginning, the beginning of birth into a family of 8 children, separating us completely, finally.

That pressure in my chest has lifted, though negative unkind thoughts about myself tighten it. But the hospital visit helped alleviate fears of immanent death. I’m not ready to die. I have much to do, much growth at the precipice inside where I hesitate to take the leap, but am so close…so very close. Pressure relates to ‘family of origin’, or lack of it, another diagnosis. I feel I’m moving through something pivotal.

I have felt the need to play the role of being the pretend sister. I was expected to act as if nothing traumatic or life threatening had happened to me. I am pulling off those thick heavy ropes that have bound and chained me. I can breathe.

I played the role because I needed the connection, no matter how false it was. Now I prefer solitude rather than lies, lies that I suffered for others comfort, certainly not mine. As I go forward, it’s scary. How can I feel so good, be OK, while on my own? As if I have no birth family?

I needed what little connection there was so desperately. I felt a cloying aloneness which scraped and clawed so deeply it made me run. It made me someone I was not in order to not be abandoned.

As I claim myself it scares me. Be boxed in with what is the same or jump?

ball and chain

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13 thoughts on “LIES

  1. Such a hurtful thing seth said to you about noone reading your book. I bet they did! You chose to rise above them, which meant being alone because they are frankly not worthy of being in your life. I understand holding on to ny piece of your family, the hope, the small connection. I did that. But my family did nothing but hurt me so me hangng on was hindering my healing. I am sorry to hear you went to the hospital but glad to know they cleared you of heart attack and other things. You are so beyond pretending nothing happened anymore and your bravery to speak out is awe inspiring

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello friend,
    You’ve found your voice and I pray it relieves some pressure on your chest.
    Lies and pretence are my Achilles heel; they floor me. That pretence is what I did with my mother too. Anything, I’d subject myself to anything a crumb of hope.
    Xx

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  3. Yes, jump!

    When you are ready. The ball and chain says it all.

    I think it is a process sometimes, though. Not much is more powerful than that tribal connection. It’s in our evolutionary biology, our collective unconscious.

    I wonder how these things effect your heart. You said you can breathe now pulling off those heavy ropes. It might be scary, but how much better for your health I think!

    I definitely have had physical sensations in my heart and chest in response to family, sometimes like someone was sitting on my chest. (I checked it out with a cardiologist. I was fine.) When we deny who we are for the sake of others, maybe it’s a little death–like being buried alive–and our hearts tell us so.

    I totally recognize the real physical situation you have going on–inflammation and congestion. I like to look at my physical conditions metaphorically, too. Since I denied my reality for decades, these things help to tell me who I am and what’s going on. : )

    Liked by 2 people

    1. OMG! “maybe it’s a little death–like being buried alive–” What a powerful way to put it!
      And “a process.” Yes. I don’t know how to remove the shackles completely, nor dig out of the grave altogether, but I have more moments than not.
      When I dance naked in the moonlight I’ll let you know… : )

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Now that song is running through my head, “Dancing in the moonlight, everybody’s feeling warm and bright…”

    I’d love to dance in the moonlight. : )

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This was a great response Ann. Yes it sounds like suffocating in that “cloying aloneness”. Patricia for me it goes back to the first chapter of your book.
    We are permanently shackled to our past but maybe we could change the ball and chain from slavery to a bright pink ribbon. The ribbon can be as long as we make it and as silky, soft and smooth as we make it. I’m now somehow seeing my past wrapped in a ribbon and yards and yards of extra ribbon that finally reaches me today. I hold the ribbon but I’m not ensnared by it. Take care xxx

    Liked by 2 people

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