THE GIRL I COULD HAVE BEEN

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What is wrong? Why feel so lost, un-centered? I look around the home I wished to be in while having so much trouble in the woods feeling calm, and I’m feeling un-grounded, a sadness invading, a loss of confidence in my choices and decisions, questioning every one of them.

I struggle getting along with daughter-in-law’s, not because of them, but because of me. I hold a great grudge. Both are beautiful women; open, loving, generous, with lots of social connections, family and friends. They have full, happy lives.

I’m not. I don’t. And I’m usually OK with my life and how I am. Shane, Cory and Samuel know how I am, accept me and my tendency to be in my own little world. But these girls don’t and take my ways personally, sometimes scolding me, or drawing away.

I certainly don’t interact comfortably. The hardest thing is being present for any length of time, something they both seem to do naturally and easily. I am so on edge trying so hard to be a good mom-in-law that I invariably fuck-up.

My week in the woods of trying so hard exhausted me. And it has taken this many days to begin to come back to myself. It is taking a while to shake this sadness of how I could have been.

These beautiful women remind me how it could have been for me. I am so happy my sons chose women open and loving, unlike their serious Mom who zones out to survive the bustle of daily life. The comparisons between us bring on a sadness that is deep like an open pit. I am trying not to fall in it.

But fall I must. I must go there to climb out, rather than cling to the sides indefinitely.

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19 thoughts on “THE GIRL I COULD HAVE BEEN

  1. Oh, Patricia. I really hoped the serenity of the woods would keep you going. I know how you feel and it is not right or fair. It is also not right or fair for our loved ones to not get it. I wrote a poem on this, if you are interested. It is called “Please Understand”. It hits where we both are perfectly. Maybe if you shared it with them they would have a little more understanding.

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          1. Oh, it sure is. Finally give in and bought a cell phone for emergencies. Lucking I had it in the hospital and could talk to my sons and husband. Talking to those that love and care sure helps. My son came during some testing and while there did all sorts of things on the phone to make it easier for me to use including making all the text bigger. He did so seemingly easily!
            When you are writing a post, there is a little icon in the top bar above where you write. If you want to link something, you highlight the words you want linked then click the paper clip. A message comes up where you copy/paste the link in to where they tell you, close it, and the highlighted words are now blue and when clicked go to you link. Hope I said that right or that it makes any sense at all.

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    1. Hi Bethany! Not sure what to say to that. I’m sorry is one, because it is not easy, all these doubts and thoughts.
      Another is a good feeling because you are willing to share your innermost feelings, even if it means admitting vulnerabilities we don’t usually admit to. That makes me feel like a have a friend or a kind of sisterhood.

      Like

  2. I’m sorry you’ve felt this sadness and ungrounded feeling. You did nothing to deserve it.

    If it were me, and family members were scolding me and drawing away because they wanted me to be something other than I am, I would be triggered. It would remind me of my childhood, of feeling inherently offensive, of being blamed for the reason the family or a situation wasn’t perfect, of feeling like the fly in the ointment though I’d done nothing wrong, and in fact, others were at fault.

    I am glad you are not the type who would do that to someone, scold them and turn away because they weren’t accommodating your needs. I know if we were on a camping trip and I said, “Oh man, I had a rough night, I’m not feeling quite right, I need to take a walk alone to get centered. Tell me where you’re at. Maybe we could hang this afternoon.”, you would be like, “That’s totally cool. Let’s catch up later.” or whatever. You would understand. You wouldn’t take it personally. You wouldn’t punish me.

    I know I am not alone in thinking you are fantastic as you are. I feel less alone because you are honest about who you are and how life is for you. I feel more confidence because of your kindness and support. I love the sensitivity of your writing, artwork and connection with nature, which would not be possible were you not exactly the woman you are today.

    I do know the pain of the girl I could’ve been, though. That can hurt so bad.

    Sending (((((compassion)))) to the area around the basil cherubs. : )

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I so needed to hear this. You are the third person whose generosity brought tears to my eyes this evening. I just returned from an overnight stay at the hospital, going by ambulance yesterday. I will write more, but I’m home and OK. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I too think about the girl I could have been. I imagine a girl who is not self-conscious and who is spontaneous and less socially awkward. What would that feel like?
    But you are loving and generous and have so much to give and more:)

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  4. Dearest friend. I was thinking of this post last night and your comment on my blog. Then I awake to your post of heart stress. We’re still on that journey of discovery that leads to healing. That part of us that’s grieving: we’re afraid and we’re holding on and all the while wanting to let it go. It is indeed exhausting. Sometimes it seems like we’re holding down the keys on the piano yet still wanting to hear the tune. With love to you xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “Sometimes it seems like we’re holding down the keys on the piano yet still wanting to hear the tune. ”
      That is so very potent.
      I feel I am at a precipice afraid to fall- or more afraid to fly above and beyond the chains of childhood and familial bonds.

      Like

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