What is wrong? Why feel so lost, un-centered? I look around the home I wished to be in while having so much trouble in the woods feeling calm, and I’m feeling un-grounded, a sadness invading, a loss of confidence in my choices and decisions, questioning every one of them.
I struggle getting along with daughter-in-law’s, not because of them, but because of me. I hold a great grudge. Both are beautiful women; open, loving, generous, with lots of social connections, family and friends. They have full, happy lives.
I’m not. I don’t. And I’m usually OK with my life and how I am. Shane, Cory and Samuel know how I am, accept me and my tendency to be in my own little world. But these girls don’t and take my ways personally, sometimes scolding me, or drawing away.
I certainly don’t interact comfortably. The hardest thing is being present for any length of time, something they both seem to do naturally and easily. I am so on edge trying so hard to be a good mom-in-law that I invariably fuck-up.
My week in the woods of trying so hard exhausted me. And it has taken this many days to begin to come back to myself. It is taking a while to shake this sadness of how I could have been.
These beautiful women remind me how it could have been for me. I am so happy my sons chose women open and loving, unlike their serious Mom who zones out to survive the bustle of daily life. The comparisons between us bring on a sadness that is deep like an open pit. I am trying not to fall in it.
But fall I must. I must go there to climb out, rather than cling to the sides indefinitely.