MARRIAGE?

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We bickered and I left with a stone in my chest, me with my bike in the truck, Samuel out watering his garden. I hate it when we bicker, especially since it always seems to be about the same things over and over. I think we are making progress, maybe not.

As I unload the bike at the locks I hear a soft rushing sound. Looking up I see the poplar trees waving like a myriad of hands, “Hello, welcome,” and I smile.

Hopping on the bike, it glides without effort down the small incline to the locks. Then the easy ride begins along the path. The heat of this summer day is curbed by the shaded path, interspersed with warmth where the trees break, then cooler again.

The sumacs make the most intricate pattern ahead of my bike tire in the trail, like lacy curtains weaving in the breeze. I swerve away from the turtle, disappointed I haven’t seen a snapper this year laying eggs. Last year one lumbered all the way up from the creek to lay eggs in my garden. The garden was mine until Samuel retired. There’s no way we could work a garden together. I say north, he says south. Even when it was mine he told me what to do until I became so incensed I rebelled.

I have trouble staying present. If the rarest bird in the world flew right in front of me I wouldn’t notice. I get lost in my thoughts but come back to the present absorbing the scene, scents and my body’s movement. I do this repeatedly because I get lost in thought so easily; the past, the future, but what about now?

When I return home Samuel talks to me and it takes everything in me to answer, albeit very little. Just back off and give me some space, some time to get past the pissed off feelings.

And I do ‘get over it’ later in the afternoon.

We head to the Adirondacks Saturday for a week in the woods on a pristine lake complete with loons and no motor boats allowed. We have taken the ‘boys’ there since babyhood. Now the eldest, Shane, will soon be 35 with two children of his own. It is a joy to watch him pass on this love of the woods; hiking, campfires, canoeing, and sleeping in the camper we handed down to them.

And two weeks after that we head back to the Adirondacks to stay on a lake in a cottage with our younger son, Cory and his wife. The news? They are pregnant with their first child due in December.

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23 thoughts on “MARRIAGE?

      1. We recover from these types of squabbles usually very quickly reverting back to a kinder interaction within minutes. But this one became heightened due to my being on the phone with the dental place that caused me so much trauma while he was fiddling with the pool alarm which went of twice while I was trying to talk. (once was more than enough)

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  1. How thrilling! A baby on the way. Congrats!

    And two trips coming up. Hooray!!

    I love that you have beautiful nature to go into any time you like, but especially after something like the bickering. It does take time for the unpleasant feelings to pass or fade in intensity. I had something like that three nights ago. Only today did I feel good inside again.

    I love the photo. Is that near you?

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    1. That is the lake in the Adirondacks where we stayed for the past 25 summers. I took that shot last summer while swaddled in a wool blanket up behind the beach recovering from a UTI.
      I am a bit fearful of what might be befall me next especially while so far away from home.

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  2. I can relate with this so much, thank you for sharing. If ever my and my partner argue i want it over. It takes me ages to get over the smallest thing and bring myself back round from me switching off

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        1. I can only speak for myself, but my belief is that my rage was pain that had been held in since the age of 8. In my twenties it surfaced as body pain in my back so bad I went to the ER. Then in my thirties and beyond as rage, pure red rage that was hard to tamp down especially while raising my boys. I had to address that pain. It took years to fizzle out, the rage, as it melted into all the tears held back about what it really was. An abyss of loss, sadness, grief, and more sadness. And that well didn’t fully empty until each chapter arose, each week. And by then I welcomed it all because all the joys came up too, and the tears really did cleanse like never before.

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  3. Gosh, I so get you. I get this. The struggle to stay present. The rage. And the learning it all requires. I catch myself but I have to talk to myself like a toddler to redirect the patterned behaviors which boil up like a volcano. I love that nature soothes you. I love that you’re riding your bike. I hope you have great joy on these trips and congratulations! XO

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  4. I know so well about getting lost in my thoughts. My counsellor asks “where did you go it seems you left the room?”
    I don’t even know where I go only that it is a place of silence that is impossible to articulate. Good news about another grandchild; another very lucky child 🙂

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