FEAR

~ grace to survive

001

My body’s weak and so is my spirit. Fear follows like a threatening shadow piercing at times like an electric bolt. When my body does things I have no control over or don’t understand, instead of fleeing it like I once did, I go deep, curious to its discomfort and how to proceed.

I’ve taken antibiotics throughout my life, whenever needed, no problem. With dental surgery I was given Amoxicillin to prevent an infection. A dangerous complication can be caused in the colon because the drug wipes out all good bacteria. It did, causing a severe inflammation, general malaise and constant pain.

I put myself on a clear liquid diet, hating the thought of a doctor. On day three I called her. By the time she saw me she thought I was recovering but said it would take a while. I felt so sick I really thought I’d end up in the hospital by the end of day.  Her words were encouraging and wiped off some of the fear.

Yesterday I finally was able to get off the couch, put my heating pad away, and walk the meadow to enjoy the sunshine. Flowers had exploded in only a few days. They stood there proud in their beauty but had no one to enjoy them. Their loveliness permeated my being along with abounding sweet scents.

At the rose bush I collected blossoms in a basket to dry inside but couldn’t resist throwing pink petals in the air like confetti on my way down the path filled with clover and bees. The lush grass cushioned my feet. Recovery is slow but occurring and I’m home. 

16 thoughts on “FEAR”

  1. I’m so sorry you got sick, I’ve been tummy sick, too, here in AZ. Twin souls! (I’m told probiotics will fix your tummy up after antibiotics. I can’t remember the name of the probiotic pill my doc recommended last summer. You can get it over the counter at drugstore though.)

    I have lots more to say but preparing to leave here now. I’ll check back in this weekend.

    Loved the profusion of flowers, colors and beauty! Totally understand and empathize on the friends issue.

    Talk to you later. : )

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    1. Thank you for the suggestion of probiotics. I doubled up the last couple of days. Things are slowly returning to normal.
      Why the tummy troubles in AZ?
      Did you have some luck house hunting? I’ve been thinking of you especially when I look at my basil buddies.

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      1. Re: AZ, I didn’t come home with a signed lease. Wah! But I learned so much about where we want to live. I checked out all the best apartment complexes. The 3BR have teeny-tiny rooms. I don’t know if we’ll downsize or keep all our furniture and rent a house. In a couple years, we hope to buy, but for now we rent. In any event, we’ll move August 11th, stay in a really cool furnished home until our furniture gets there and hopefully find a place beginning September.

        I stayed in a really cool old hotel. When I catch my breath, I’ll do a blog with photos.

        Re: my tummy, it’s all so complex, but I think it was a mixture of IBS and stress. Like tonight, back home, my tummy is as calm as could be, but most nights in AZ, I couldn’t sleep from the pain. I did 20 minutes of deep breathing before I got on the plane this morning and the pain went away. Twice I did Trauma Release Exercises and it relieved the discomfort so I think a lot of mine is buried emotion or twisted up energy.

        I am so glad you are feeling better. I am so beat. Off to bed I go. I hope you are deeply asleep and wake in the morning refreshed and pain free.

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        1. All sounds good, except the IBS and stress, understandable considering the travel and unfamiliar environment.
          I still have trouble accepting how these things set off things within my body. Meditation helps me too.
          You sound excited about the move despite all the hardships you endured during the process.
          Thank you! Look forward to hearing more, and the photos…

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  3. Hello Patricia
    You’ve come out the other side with some nicks and scratches. You are a strong women, day after day depression can set in. Chronic Lyme Disease and Heart problems over the past six years. Having depression already many days I didn’t want to open my eyes. It’s a chore to even care some days. Yesterday the report from Cardio Dr. wasn’t good. More load to carry.
    I am here, you don’t have to drive to visit. Email me anytime at msandorm@verizon.net.
    Sounds like you know yourself and weaknesses, you’re ahead with lessons learned.
    Hugs
    Melinda

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    1. Thank you! There’s one in town. I may go. But I’m not in a place where I’d go to the neighboring towns or the the city if she isn’t a good fit.
      I get low with the after-effects of illness and want to go. Feel better and then don’t want to. But for long term, I think it would be helpful if she worked out. I may try.

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  5. I can very much relate! To all of it, the friendships, medicine, dentist, doctors, and therapist. I’m glad you were able to get outside and I hope your body heals soon. I am also looking for a therapist after a year or so not having one. I wish you well ❤️

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  6. I’m happy to see this today. Not happy you’ve been struggling — but I’ve been concerned that you’d had some complications. If it helps — I think of therapy as self-care, not dependancy. It’s you — just you — setting the course, raising your sail and exploring. Your therapist is just a vessel to sit upon. That’s it. We all need rafts to set sail upon. Sending love to you today. I think you’re brave and I’m wishing you a grand journey. XO

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    1. Oh, that is encouraging. I may give her try. And also try to remember; a raft to set my sail on. I like that! Thank you for being concerned about me. I barely had the oomph to read posts and certainly no energy to write one till today.

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