DENTAL SURGERY

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So tired one day post-gum surgery. Stitches are sticking up so far over my tooth that I peer into the mirror and use my cat claw snippers to shorten them. Pick the dirtiest scissors you can why don’t you? But I did stick them in alcohol first.

The tears came today after it was over, off and on all day. I call my younger son, Cory, and break into tears. He listens, understands his Mom, and isn’t too concerned because he knows they are stress tears, tears of being brave that I let go of when it is over.

A sadness filled me all day, a sadness of how hard this is each time, harder each time I have to lie back to have work done…if that were possible. Is it because that memory of the first attack swims closer to the surface each time? It seems so. It feels so close.

I have to lie her down, that little child, and ask her to lie still, be good, do as you’re told, and be hurt. Of course it is draining. My eyes tear as I write this. Me and her. We are together. But in that chair I am 8 years old, more and more the age of eight the older I get.

Does that mean the memory will surface? Will it better if it does? Will these things become easier? Will it never surface, and just swim close enough to make me sad, and weak, and cry?

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12 thoughts on “DENTAL SURGERY

  1. “… they are stress tears, tears of being brave that I let go of when it is over.” God I so get that, Patricia. I had a doctor’s appointment today to have my thyroid levels checked — something I’ve been eagerly waiting for because I haven’t been feeling right. Despite wanting to do this, when I walked in I was nervous and shaky. What I realized for the first time today is that I have always had this fear and anxiety around doctor appointments but I just completely shut down and didn’t even let myself feel it. I probably disassociated. Today, while I was completely drained after, I was also really proud of myself for knowing what was going on. For understanding and recognizing that this makes sense. For having compassion for myself. It’s hard. Really hard. But it’s progress. Feeling all of this is part of the healing. Don’t you think? It’s part of integrating it all. I’m proud of you. I’m proud of us. These are big things and we are doing the work. What you write about here — your emotions and the questions and the tears after the bravery … loving your eight year old self. All of it. I get it and you make perfect sense to me. I’m not sure if this helps or not but I hope so.

    And PS — what do you get to eat after oral surgery?! Chocolate ice cream I hope? Or coffee ice cream? Or both?? XOXOXO

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes, it makes sense and does help. It is good to be aware of and to nurture that little girl, and to know what all of me is up to, hard as that is.
      Oh, the first day after I had plenty of ice cream! The cold is the best thing for swelling and not painful to eat… Thank you Jessica. I wish appointments were easier for you too. It is hard to give up control to these doctors who all seem in such a rush.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sending you love and strength. What an ordeal. I sympathise entirely with what you go through for that. Your Son is awesome. Recover soon and admire your tenacity.

    Liked by 1 person

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