SELF-HATE

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It’s a good thing someone doesn’t give me a hatchet. I’d split myself in two with the all self-blaming, judging, and hating I am doing lately.

I wake to go to the bathroom, and snuggle back under the covers, but my mind has become too active, and going back to sleep without taking something isn’t going to happen. I’m not taking anything. So I’m awake with the stand-up comics on a Friday night at 3 am.

There’s improvement this morning, but as I lie there my self-bashing begins again in earnest. I’m a pro, and most often, since so used to doing it, don’t even know I’m doing it. Bash, bash, bang, bang… I ought to be bleeding, a bloody mess, standing in a pool of it, a river of it, a lake, a sea, an ocean. Who will love me when I won’t?

It is an impossibility to take the hit of childhood sexual abuse, and then be the one to contain it, and cover it up too. A child learns how to be on her own because she is, not because she wants to be. And that is where I am, all on my own. Oh yes, I have my husband and sons, and one friend I can turn to when she’s not too busy. She is always busy.

But the buck stops here. Here is home. Here is where I want to be, but lately just want to escape. Where else can I be? You look good. I wish I were you. I could pointing at an ant and be saying that. Or my cat curled up on the bed in a ray of sun. I want to escape this skin, this mind that always beats me down. I need relief.

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24 thoughts on “SELF-HATE

    1. A way of life. I am working full-time to accept, love and become a friend to myself. And making progress. Lately though I’m working over-time… I
      ‘m guessing hating oneself is a common outcome of CSA. How could it not be?
      Especially when it’s hushed up, or not believed, and most killing, the child is blamed. That insures the child’s silence, blaming the child. She will never tell then. And that is what destroys her, or certainly has the potential to.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Please try & do something nice for yourself – favourite tv show/movies, silly comedy, books, music, ice cream, whatever it takes, just to get you through.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I know this feeling of wanting to climb out of your skin because you can. It stand yourself all too well. Breathe. Remember you are a good person, kind, smart, empathetic, smart. Try to get outside, notice the nice weather, the trees, the flowers, the birds. Get into your studio, and focus on your art. Breathe. I hope this feeling passes soon. I wish there was something to say to make it better. I wish you didn’t feel so alone.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Holding your hand. Yes we all suffer with this from time to time. It’s wretched that we she should carry that in us. But it is not us, that’s what we need to remember.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I have been praying and asking God to help me kick this self-defeating behavior down, Grace. I don’t understand how I can forgive my abusers so much and absorb all the hatred and mistrust and criticism into myself and wage war on myself every day. I’m glad you cut this out, and I’m trying to get myself together too. I don’t need to carry this self-hatred into job-hunting.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh, you sadly do understand oh so well. It is a job to work at all on its own! And shouldn’t have to be.
      If a family comes together to help a child attacked in this way, rather than do everything they can to silence her, it wouldn’t be this way.
      That’s the part that has the potential to damage the most. A child is taught to take it upon herself to save the shame of the family. It all becomes her shame when none of it is.
      So it takes constant vigil of thoughts, confronting those old voices with a counter of positive thoughts. Sending you positive thoughts as you job search. You can do it! Wow, such an amazing woman!

      Like

  4. Somewhere in my recovery process I remember coming to the conclusion that it all came down to me. I was on an island, and if I was ever going to get off the island, (assuming I wanted off the island), then I was going to have to reach out and engage with other people. In one way, it terrified me. In another way, it was a huge relief. To know that my survival was with the person I trusted the most … myself. Of course, as you pointed out, we are so often our worst enemies, that leaving our survival in the hands of the “hating yourself” person can be tricky. So then it was about learning how to accept and love that person. Still working on that one, but on my better days, I’m actually kind of nice to me. Sometimes. More often than before. That’s forward movement, from my perspective. Yes, I can still be my worst enemy, but at least I know it’s my hand with the hammer now. And that every time I squash myself to the pavement, I’m moving in the exact opposite direction of survival. So I keep trying to forgive, and be kind to the one person who needs it the most. If we keep doing that whenever we can, we do get to eventually quit carrying around that damn hammer. Or so I’ve heard. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Sorry to hear you are having a tough time, I can absolutely relate. I remember a time when trying to be comfortable in my own skin was the scariest thing in the world and I hated it. In my mind, if I was comfortable I was letting my guard down and I was no longer safe. As convoluted as that may sound I beat myself up relentlessly to keep myself safe. Nope CSA did not mess with my head at all. Being comfortable and beating myself up still cycle but the comfort parts last longer each time. It does get better I swear.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I think it’s a great start to know when you are self-hating. Being aware of it and acknowledging that it;s not something that you want to continue to do is the first step. I know it all too well. There are times when am in such anguish that I want to scratch myself or pull the hair out of my head (I know awful) but I know where it comes from and you mention it here, it comes from that containing of all the bad stuff and having no outlet when I , when we needed it most. I am here, I hope you know that when you feel like you need an outlet!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I must know that, right? At the same time, I fall back on bad habits and handling things on my own that way. Unfortunately those habits are hurtful. I will write you next time, how’s that? You will get sick to death of me.

      Liked by 1 person

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