It was only ten degrees at sunrise and everything was coated in a glaze of ice. I felt compelled to grab my camera, step out on the patio still in bathrobe and slippers, and try to capture the beauty. It is much more spectacular with the naked eye.

By afternoon the temp hit 40, and after five laps negotiating the crusty snow mixed with ice, I lavished myself with a good soak in the sun down by the creek absorbing it like a dry sponge. A new bird had returned and chirped while snow geese as big as helicopters flew overhead. 

Later in the day I found myself mopping floors and realized I hadn’t had the energy to do so in months. My health is returning and for that I am grateful. I may have to continue strong medication to inhibit bleeding for awhile, maybe for life. I just don’t know yet. Taking medications, even if risky, seems a better alternative than surgery once again to rearrange stomach parts, even if the surgeon was so blase about it. 

After reading the posts of others, similarities followed me into my dreams. Like learning too early one is on their own. That later in life when help is near, turning inwards tends to be the first response, like when touching a caterpillar, the way they curl up on themselves in defense.

That is what I tend to do until the pot bubbles over and whoever is near hears my overflow, like steam fizzling out till depleted. I have become a much better pot at containment and finding ways to release the steam all on my own. Letting nature hold me is one of them… 

Poppy is off to work, Cindy’s little playmate. She must tolerate me, who won’t play hide and seek nor jail. Jail became a favored game after giving William play handcuffs for Christmas in his stocking. Samuel is able to access his inner child quicker and more easily.

But I will put her to work painting eggs and work right beside her. She enjoyed helping me decorate for Easter. After filling the bay window with baskets on gay yellow cloth, we placed baskets on the buffet too, and little glass eggs behind them. She carefully handed me each one proud to be such a big helper.  



4 thoughts on “CRYSTAL MORNING

  1. I’ve been reading your blog for a while, but some days I need to turn away because your strength confuses me…and somedays fills me with guilt. In the battle with the horrible scars of your past and the painful physical struggles of the present, you’ve somehow been able to rescue that long ago suffering little girl. I realize there are times you scratch at those scars and make them bleed again, but you’ve been able to let that girl grow up into a woman that you fiercely protect. It is that strength ~ your staunch willingness to protect yourself from those who still try to hurt both the little girl and the grown woman ~ that I both admire and run from. I once read that we are like Swiss cheese, and the holes in us are actually supposed to be there. The holes are the things that make us who we are. The Japanese evidently have learned that lesson well because often when they repair broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something has suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. As I’ve read your blog over the past couple of months and admired the work you do with your butterflies, I often recall that anecdote about the Japanese. Your history, although hurtful and messy, has brought forth from you some beautiful character traits. The two I notice the most are the two I struggle with the most. The first is your strength to persevere even when your body is in pain and the people closest to you are lacking in compassion and understanding. The second is your ability to show that same compassion and understanding you are not receiving to others in the comments you leave on other blogs and your own. Just as you embellish your butterflies to make them beautiful, your strength and kindness BECAUSE of what you have personally endured is like that embellished gold on the mended objects. I admire how far you have come. I also realize how far I have left to go.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. “That later in life when help is near, turning inwards tends to be the first response, like when touching a caterpillar, the way they curl up on themselves in defense.” You captured this so poignantly. I found myself saying, “Yes. That’s it. That’s exactly it.” I’m going to think of your butterflies when my first instinct is to do this. Perhaps it will make me pause and reflect before I reflexively turn inward.

    I love the photos and the Easter crafts. When I was six I met my first true friend and her mother was so lovely and crafty. We’d spend hours with her making amazing things. Some of my happiest memories. I love seeing you do this with your granddaughter. It makes my heart so happy. I’m glad you’re feeling a little better. Keep being gentle. XO

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s