ABANDONMENT

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I hadn’t realized the extent of my abandonment issues. My head flew off the deep end when a sibling, Stevie, who I do consider a brother, responded via email with his formal full name. I didn’t listen to the feelings that whispered beneath my busy mind, a mind that took off to the deep end. I had finally been blunt about my past and his brothers, speaking my truth rather than protecting him, and believed, as I was taught, that abandonment was the price for the truth.

Instinct, spirit, soul, the center— whispered, ‘Not so.’

And it wasn’t so as I learned later. He has an automatic sign off on his email that used his full name. 

I have worked on this tendency where the mind catapults to the negative, and with some success. Feeling barefoot on hot cinders, I reached out desperately for assurance and made mistakes in the process…but that’s OK. I am allowed mistakes, I am allowed to be human. I sleep at night because I did not let Stevie go. I will not abandon him or myself.   

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5 thoughts on “ABANDONMENT

  1. I think we learn to monitor people’s smallest movements, facial expressions, choice of words, and any other indication that something might be dangerous for us. This can make us really attuned to people, and be a good thing. But sometimes we overdo it, and we read too much into something. It’s okay to make a mistake though (and a happy occurrence to find out that something is better than we first thought).

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are so exactly right. What a perfect way to put it, and you are the first person I’ve talked to who knows how I tend to operate. Every facial expression, nuance, the way an email is worded, etc. I read way too much sometimes. (his are too short, abrupt, and seem so cold)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I do the same. I think I would have made a good detective 😕

        The other piece I find that keeps me in the negative is the reaction, or lack thereof, family has to our stories. Take the fact you sent him your book Patricia and he didn’t respond. How else is one supposed to read that?

        So when you add a tendency to be on the look out for danger to silence (which is exactly what most of us experienced as kids) it’s so difficult not to go to that negative place.

        I would give anything to have family open up about what they are thinking or feeling about my story. Not to debate the facts but simply to quiet my questioning mind. Other than my mom I really have absolutely no idea what any one else in my family thinks of me sharing my story and what dad did when we lived on Fairview.

        Like

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