S.A.D.

feb1 268

Winter grinds down upon me like an iron vise, despite a day of 55 degree temps. I force myself out the door to do laps. Lap five sitting by the frozen creek does not bring the same fullness or relief that fills me when the silence wraps me like a warm blanket. The silence chills me further. I walk back up the gentle slope to the house still slightly surprised at how just walking causes my heart to pound and my breath to come harder. Maybe it’s the low iron levels because other levels have almost reached normal levels. The internal bleeding seems to have stopped. For now.

The fresh air and exercise brings a lift from the purgatory winter brings, too many days of dark clouds and no sun. I tell myself over and over how grateful I should be, remembering how I craved just to be home when hospitalized. And that helps. I am so glad to be here with Samuel and little Cindy. We’ve had an entire extra day with her because she has a cold and nursery school would be too much. But even her presence won’t crack my ice. She gravitates to Samuel who plays with her endlessly and I smile, coming present, knowing how quiet this house would be without them both.

So I’m OK. This winter stuff is just something I go through each year. There’s been a few years it hits so hard I need help shuffling through it without drowning, but not this year. This is the usual. I use my morning full spectrum lights as I catch the first twenty minutes of the news with Gail and Charlie Rose. Then I move on to other things; mosaics, baking, some cleaning, and as always, meditation and exercise.

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6 thoughts on “S.A.D.

  1. It sounds to me like you are doing amazingly well considering the fact that you are in recovery. That is all because of how determined you are. I am impressed that you get out and walk every day, even in the cold! I don’t do that much. I am sad to hear you have struggled with internal bleeding, I am glad you are not struggling with that now, and hope you do not struggle more with that in the future.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Despite your current feeling about the winter season, I LOVE how you write. You have a magical way of expressing your words that have me feeling like I’m right there, the picture, the smell, the ambiance, I just love it. It’s fascinating how we all have our favourite seasons and how those seasons all impact us in different ways. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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