I sip on tea by the fire early, 5 am as usual, with puppy cat at my feet. Warm, content, cozy and for a stretch, relaxed. After reading posts the studio calls. A smaller sized butterfly has been jeweled to the hilt and needs tiles. The music is soft, but thoughts invade my peace. Why did the secretary say the doctor was in but the other doctor sends a note that she is covering while my doctor is out?

And it starts. Anxiety, uneasiness, not trusting, doubts. I should switch to this other doctor, the partner. Mine is cool and I don’t hit it off with her too well and probably never will, but I am out of options. I’m staying.

OK, calm the thoughts. People do lie, though they may calling it fibbing or fudging. And I have a powerful history that proves not to trust others. So I soften the internal tendency to flounce havoc on my wounded soul, and provide tenderness instead. It’s a sad thing I have had trust irrevocably shattered. Yet at the same time, the benefit is that I see and notice things others do not. A watchdog. And I am watching. And when I’ve had enough, I bark, loud and strong and I can growl too.

And maybe she did lie on her employer’s behalf. Maybe the doctor went home and was reached via text with my questions, and maybe today they do have the other doctor covering. It’s a lie all the same. If it did happen. I have to trust my gut. And I don’t trust her, not the doc or the secretary.  

My thoughts can so easily take me out of a peaceful place. Especially when there is something going on. And when isn’t there ‘something’ going on? I need to sooth my soul. Remember that others must live with what they do. I need to concentrate on what I need to do, and not let thoughts interfere with my internal peace.


18 thoughts on “TRUST

  1. when things get changed out of our control its so infuriating. i wish that who ever you see ,you keep that lion in you loud and proud. Your bark will be heard dont forget that. 🙂

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  2. I am now 56 years old, and I still have a pretty chronic case of being able to trust people – my brother, my therapist, friends. I think in all those cases I’ve been lied to at least once, but I have found that the more I trust, the more I am trusted.

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  3. TRUST indeed is a huge wound to heal once it’s broken and continually smashed apart from such a young vulnerable age. It’s always been a powerful word and action for me to the point where I have the letters of TRUST each with their own little angel on them and they sit on a shelf where I see them daily. I’m grateful I have learned to trust again, however I wonder if that’s more because I have removed everyone from my life who I do not trust. Karen’s point is so true I have found, while it seems backwards on so many levels. How do we trust more when we are continuously confronted by lies and bullS*^# from others, is it to challenge us to ‘speak up’ more and call them on it, or is it for us to recognise but quietly ‘trust’ our gut feelings of the truth and keep this in mind with the next interaction. So much of what we’re asked of in life requires us to begin within, ‘the more I trust the more I am trusted’, ‘the more I accept me the more I am accepted’, ‘the more I love myself the more I am loved’, ‘the more I accept my body as it is right now with all this excess weight the more weight I release’ and on and on it goes doesn’t it? Sometimes I don’t understand the logic of this, but I do know the power of believing this, that doesn’t mean it’s ever ‘easy’ to act on, when hearts are so delicate and fragile and our hyper-vigilance is so strong. Xx

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    1. ” is it to challenge us to ‘speak up’ more and call them on it, or is it for us to recognise but quietly ‘trust’ our gut feelings of the truth and keep this in mind with the next interaction.”
      Yes, and yes! This is so insightful, wise and how I tend to operate.
      The clerk at my PT appointments outright lied, and does so frequently. I let it go. Then the overcharges piled up and I finally had come out of my medical fog to talk to her about financial discrepancies, but I did so courteously. She walked away from me and wouldn’t answer any more questions. I called behind her, “you won’t answer my questions? How rude!” And she was. And I’d had enough.
      So yes, and yes. Take it so far, then enough. Trust my gut, I’ve been watchful of her, because having to confront an outright liar is maddening, and when I finally had to do so, I was calm, did what I needed to for me, and didn’t feel bad or ashamed about it. My usual all my life. I’m bad, I’m wrong. NO!

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      1. Good on you for standing up to her and for yourself. I wonder about these people in services like that who lie and when called on it can be rude and dismissive. Is this an indirect way of bullying people, because the reality is people only lie when they’re hiding something about themselves. What they don’t realise is eventually they’re exposing more of themselves which they’re going to extraordinary efforts to hide…haha ironic isn’t it. One of my brothers (from another father I believe) is THE biggest liar I’ve ever known. it’s like he was conceived of ‘lies & cheating’ and grew up to become a cheat and liar. He’s always been a bully and when I did finally stand up to him, he phoned his mummy and had a sook to her. Hilarious when your mother phones to question why you’re ‘picking’ on her son of 60yrs in age. Anyway, I do digress LOL I guess we’ll always be surrounded by liars and appear to be the problem when we have the courage to call them on it, it’s their only defence to hide the truth 🙂

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  4. I have the opposite problem, I trust toooo easily and wear my heart on my sleeve believing that people are like me and have the best of intentions and are kind. Like a child in a woman’s body. You have a great sense of sniffing out ‘fishy’ goings, what a gift! But yes I understand your need not to trust more.

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    1. Well, my gut tells me when something is fishy, but my demeanor is still such that others use it to their advantage.
      I was taught to be ‘nice’. I was taught it was wrong to speak up about the atrocities being done to my body…taught this by my mom who had to shut her daughter up to protect her sons and her picture to the world of a good family. Taught I was to be ashamed for speaking up.
      So I feel bad if I’m not ‘nice.’ Even when being trampled on. My voice would not erupt out of me like it did for others. I would watch others speak up and feel so less than. And that voice still hides. Until I’ve had enough…
      I can be kind and polite but if someone keeps making up stuff instead of apologizing for their mistakes and trying to correct them, they are in for a fight. I will remember always to keep them at bay. I won’t be trusting to those who prove themselves untrustworthy. I just won’t. That means you must possess character. And that means doing what is right, not when someone is watching, but when no one is watching.

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      1. Yes I know that too, the discrepancy between what’s in my gut and what I show to the outside world and it’s for the same reason as you despite the very real differences in what happened. My mother too taught me to stomach it all, all the bad stuff and pretend that what was being done was ok. I too feel bad when I am not nice and want to look after people who are horrid to me. I have this unrealistic hope that people could change and be different. It’s a long journey to self-love, self-trust when you are invalidated as a child. Thank you for your warmth and support. I think your voice rings so loud, so true, so very full of wisdom now.

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        1. Isn’t that a common trait those of us who have been abused through childhood. We somehow feel this need or willingness to protect and take care of those who treat us badly…Makes no sense in some ways but in other ways it makes total sense. I certainly don’t do it anymore though and definitely would not help three brothers if their lives depended on me. I would ‘honestly & truthfully’ support the consequences of their previous choices and actions towards me and kindly say no before disconnecting the call…I owe them nothing!

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