Jessica mentioned RAGE. Thank you Jessica.
Maybe rage most of my life has not been such a bad thing. Maybe it was what saw me through, keeping my head up fighting. I just wish it had fizzled out sooner. A lot of my health burned out too as rage sputtered to embers, then grey ash. I am tired.
I have spent a life fighting a war in a war zone called ‘family.’ The same family most turn to for comfort and a soft place to fall. Mine was my hell, my terror, they pulled me down almost burying me. Further contact continues the pull, not to a safe place but to Hell. A Hell of non-existence. A Hell of pretense. A Hell of victim-hood.
A few scraps were thrown my way, more of a way to lead each to believe they showed kindness, support and help. It’s my belief Don saved my life, sharing his home until I got on my feet. I am grateful for life. That was a long time ago, 40 years. I don’t know the man he is now and cannot continue the pretense required to continue the relationship which is minimal anyway.
The deal is I must be quiet to keep from being abandoned. My take is that it is hard to hear about what their brothers did, or what they themselves did or didn’t do to help me. So I contained it. My body contained it, and my body needed to be a very large vessel to hold it all in. I raged through-out life at the terrific, deadly injustice, unable to give up hope of a family.
Even after I created my own family, the lure and the craving for a family of origin drew me like a moth to flame. I so needed to fill the bottomless cavern. But they couldn’t give me back to myself. Only I could. It has taken a long time. It has been a long journey. .
Jessica at the Counter Stool talks of rage. This petite dynamic athlete also raged in her youth at her own war zone, her family. I see her majestic beauty, and as she shares, I am able to see mine. Thank you Jessica.