RAGE/WARRIOR CHILD

warrior1

Jessica mentioned RAGE. Thank you Jessica.

Maybe rage most of my life has not been such a bad thing. Maybe it was what saw me through, keeping my head up fighting. I just wish it had fizzled out sooner. A lot of my health burned out too as rage sputtered to embers, then grey ash. I am tired.

I have spent a life fighting a war in a war zone called ‘family.’ The same family most turn to for comfort and a soft place to fall. Mine was my hell, my terror, they pulled me down almost burying me. Further contact continues the pull, not to a safe place but to Hell. A Hell of non-existence. A Hell of pretense. A Hell of victim-hood.

A few scraps were thrown my way, more of a way to lead each to believe they showed kindness, support and help. It’s my belief Don saved my life, sharing his home until I got on my feet. I am grateful for life. That was a long time ago, 40 years. I don’t know the man he is now and cannot continue the pretense required to continue the relationship which is minimal anyway. 

The deal is I must be quiet to keep from being abandoned. My take is that it is hard to hear about what their brothers did, or what they themselves did or didn’t do to help me. So I contained it. My body contained it, and my body needed to be a very large vessel to hold it all in. I raged through-out life at the terrific, deadly injustice, unable to give up hope of a family.

Even after I created my own family, the lure and the craving for a family of origin drew me like a moth to flame. I so needed to fill the bottomless cavern. But they couldn’t give me back to myself. Only I could. It has taken a long time. It has been a long journey.  .

Jessica at the Counter Stool talks of rage. This petite dynamic athlete also raged in her youth at her own war zone, her family. I see her majestic beauty, and as she shares, I am able to see mine. Thank you Jessica.

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18 thoughts on “RAGE/WARRIOR CHILD

  1. Patricia I’ve just gone back and re-read your last few posts. I echo the thoughts of others when they’ve said they see strength and resilience in you. I see that in these posts, in your comments on my blog and others. You are a tremendous support for so many of us and I hope that we are able to do the same for you. That you know that we are here supporting your journey.

    I too raged for years and came to discover that rage for me is often a combination of fear, sadness and anger. When I am able to get to the root of the fear and sadness, the anger dissipates and so does the rage. It’s like it’s made up of several pieces and I need to treat each piece as its own entity before I am able to connect the dots that lead to the rage. Not sure if that makes sense.

    My wish for you over the next few days is that you see you have the strength to get through this, Christmas is so tough for many of us, and that you come out the otherside with a little more energy and renewed hope for the year ahead. Rooting for you always Patricia!

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Oh, that all makes perfect sense.
      And I am aware, though continually renewed, surprised and so very grateful, for the ongoing support I find here which makes all the difference.
      I am a bit worn from several months of a constant ache which interferes with sleep, along with my usual winter drop in mood. But even with that, I’m doing quite well. I don’t mean to sound down. Though I am at different times of the day, it is nothing like depressions I’ve had in the past. It’s just lack of sleep on an on-going basis.
      I so thank you for your kinds words. I haven’t felt able to give lately, not to my sons, my grand-daughter, or those here. Taking care of my own needs seems a lot. That said, I do not have it so bad, not at all. Thank you!

      Liked by 4 people

      1. Patricia your reply made my heart happy. It’s necessary to take care of yourself first and always. Our bodies and minds have been through so much. I didn’t mention this before but I really connected to your post about eating to fill a void. I do this and hadn’t really thought about it until I read your post. So thank you for the insight and sharing that part of your journey. Merry Christmas to you and your family.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I am just starting to learn about rage–it is something I repressed and denied for a long time. I think E. is encouraging me to allow myself to feel it but not get stuck in it. It seems to be a very fine line she is treading, because “not getting lost in it” can easily turn into more repress/deny.

    There is a power in rage. Rage means we see our own interests and needs, recognize that they were violated, and that it is not acceptable.

    But Tracey, I think, is also right. There are other feelings under the rage, like the longing you mention for the care and understanding of a family of origin and the sadness you still feel at having that denied to you.

    You are awesome, Patricia. You give so much love to your own family and to fellow bloggers. Just know that we all send it back to you in a big healing package with a beautiful bow on top. Merry Christmas!

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Thank you for reflecting on rage and building on our exchange. I love the warrior child you’ve posted. She made me smile. I’m having a hard time with rage this day before Christmas. Sometimes it skews the present and the past and I lash out at Rob, my closest person, and leave myself alienated and more alone in my anger. I understand it. I know the work I have to do, but when I feel like this, I find myself wanting to disappear. A familiar childhood thought: I make life hard for everyone and if I wasn’t here it would be easier. Again, not rational thinking, but more of a reactive thought process. I get it cognitively but I don’t like it. It’s a scary and lonely place to be. It leaves me so far from seeing myself and who I really am instead of the scapegoat I was made to by in my childhood family. I’m just going to hold your words here: “I see her majestic beauty, and as she shares, I am able to see mine. Thank you Jessica.” — so I don’t lose sight of who I am today. This happens sometimes. Thank you for this, Patricia.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I’m sure you didn’t give him the finger and tell him to fuck off. A woman I know recently did that. (guess who?)
      The feelings of everyone being better off without you? That is from the past, not at all relevant now. “The ghost of Christmas Past.” Happy day tomorrow for you with coffee and gluten free sticky buns… Lots of goo.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Sure.
          From what you’ve shared, you were made to feel those things, unwanted, during your formative years. It must crop up at times, like when doing something human like arguing with a spouse.
          (I thought you might laugh at my being naughty. Coal for me in my stocking.)

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Well, I doubt it, especially for you. But me neither. My Samuel is till sleeping, but darn if he didn’t bring me to tears before my first coffee; a huge red card on the table with glitter, simply saying, “I’m the happiest person in the world. With you by my side, how could I be anything else?”
            Oh, that Samuel. I suspect yours feels the same and knows that under your frustration is a deep fear and love for him and what he is going through. Happy Day Jessica… (mine was just made complete.)

            Liked by 1 person

          2. Oh I love that. It has been a happy day. Rob’s pain is a little better and not surprisingly my foul mood has lifted. You’re spot on about the fear which triggers anger and rage for sure. Happy Chtistmas to you and yours. XO And a big hug to Samuel and Rob for seeing us even when we can’t see ourselves!

            Liked by 1 person

  4. I would like to echo everything said by Tracey and the other bloggers! You are a rock and shining star for us all! You were my first blogging friend! You inspired me to be bold and honest!

    When I feel a lot of resentment I know that underneath there is the sadness and pain unexpressed. I was like that when I lived with my family I would grit my teeth a lot and curse and curse like a drinker sailor and bang doors and pots and pans. So much repression boiling up inside without an outlet. I don’t grit my teeth as much since my ex-husband is gone and since I have told my heavy secrets. But the resentment still comes and it’s my cue that I am tapping into some old feelings!

    So hard to leave with that ache for a family but like you and Jessica to be with my family of origin is to lose myself. So this lonely hard road is mine while all around me people share holidays with their families. But I am getting better at it like today when I am snuggled up watching xmas movies just my son and I ❤️
    I would rather be alone than be surrounded by people who hurt me and pretend to love me!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Patricia, I would say you were reading my mind if you knew me😊. I will be 32 this June and family has always been nothing like comfort. I lost my mom at the age of 3, with a little sister at only 6 months. My dad remarried immediately!. Got sexually abused by my step uncle until the age of 10. Verbally and physically abused by the parents. Once I told my dad about the abuse, he just threw it in my face and asked me not to ruin his family.Long story short, I am now married coming to 9 years; something that has been by God’s grace since that kind of relationship seemed like abuse still to me. But over the years, I have found healing and also the ability to completely forgive and learn to lean on God’s sovereignty. I blog, but not about this topic. It’s I hard one for me. Thank you for this article.💞

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