CROSS THE DIVIDE

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How to connect with ‘her’, the child I was. The dentist with the crooked endless stairway to hell, that my mother left me to walk alone, took photos of his kid patients. At age eight, after Daddy dropped to the floor dead, and Danny raped me (a memory swimming viciously inside, a deadly shark at the ready to devour), my skinny kid body blew up like an over-pumped swim tube. And the stark contrast still remains in the old photo book in his office. Skinny at 7, huge at 8, with the fakest smile pasted on.

I would like to connect with skinny kid, but the other? Is it possible even if I wanted to? She disappeared. I still hide.

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4 thoughts on “CROSS THE DIVIDE

  1. Today as I read this, Patrica, I think — Wow! What strength. What tremendous strength and courage. Your mind didn’t repress your memories. It holds them and they are right there at the forefront of your mind. In some ways you were not spared by disassociating. But there has to be a reason for this, don’t you think? I don’t think it’s for you to walk in a blanket of shame or pain. I don’t think it’s because you need to carry the weight that separates you from the 7-year-old you. I don’t think that, but I understand why you might. Your thoughts parallel my own thoughts about being worthless and abandoned and unlovable. Unprotected. Not spared. But I’m thinking it’s not that. You know what I keep coming back to?! You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You’re mind knows you can do anything. It does. If it didn’t you’d be more fragmented. That’s what I think. Maybe you’ve protected yourself in other ways — with food and with eating as you write about. Padding yourself from the pain. But your mind is solid so hold on to that as you move towards gentleness, compassion and self-love You have a lot of strength. Be proud of that. That’s something solid you can hold on to. Sending love your way.

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  2. Our body can be an amazing thing and even quite separately to what our minds do. Through my own experiences, I now understand that my body with all the layers of extra fat that would show up over the top of the previous layers, was actually the only thing that I had to ‘protect’ me. As I now see it, it did what our body is naturally designed to do..protect! For that I am grateful every day because I can now understand all the extra fat has actually had a purpose and through that understanding, I can now thank it and release it because I have learned how to protect myself. I often think it’s an ironic thing, after trauma and abuse we want attention and reassurance but rarely get it so our body gains weight to feel safe for itself, the bigger we get the smaller we want to be so that we don’t draw further attention to ourselves and our ever growing body, so the protective layers become even larger and the larger we become the more insecure we feel still wanting to be small so we can’t be seen at this size and on the cycle goes…it’s madness but it makes sense!!

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