SURVIVAL

Thank you Kathleen for your post today.

For once I have heard what I have believed all along, my body hangs on to weight for a reason, and that reason is survival. Brilliance. Being overweight on and off, more on than off since age 8, has not been fun. It is not fun to hear others call me fatty Patty, nor see the looks throughout my life as another looks me up and down and makes judgments. Fat= lazy and dumb.

I learned I was to be treated in horrific ways and yet that was accepted. And I continued the hateful treatment towards myself, hating my body, hating myself for years to come, to now. No matter how many miles I ran, the butchery of a gastric stapling, losing 50, 60, 80 pounds repeatedly–it made no difference. I still hated myself, and the weight always came back. My body saw to it. I had no voice, I still crave a voice, and with no voice, my body talks instead. Stay away. Watch out. I’m safe bigger.

Not all childhood sexual abuse is remembered, but the body remembers. Instinct knows it’s survival of the fittest. And bigger is stronger, more threatening. My body hangs onto weight to stay alive; safe. And not until I feel safe, and begin loving my body just as it is, will my internal mechanisms work in sync to release the weight. 

This 25 minute video holds so much valuable information for all those still struggling with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse, not just those dealing with weight issues due to trauma, but the basics of coming back to oneself in a place of love, self-love; a new path for me, and one I plan to keep working on. 

Relax, breath, feel safe. I still have a long way to go. When doing one activity I’m already jumping ahead, thinking about the next one. Relax into the moment now. It’s OK. 

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “SURVIVAL

  1. Thank you so much for taking the time to watch this and comment of how you relate as well as for sharing it with others already connected here with you. Sharing ‘publicly’ on the topics of weight issues and child sexual abuse is quite a new thing for me having only done it over the last few months. It’s indeed powerful, healing and insightful to express and share in hope of supporting and helping others who have been trapped within for years hanging onto the ‘secrets’.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Thanks for sharing I will watch this. I can relate to not loving my body in that I never fed myself properly and still smoke sometimes even though it makes me feel ill after! I also know about not being able to relax in the moment(even when it’s a good moment) am always jumping ahead to plan the next move. Here’s to feeling safe in the moment and breathing and relaxing!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes exactly, when all else feels like it’s going to shit and out of control…stop…breeeeeathe…and allow it to all fall into the places it’s meant to be. In November I decided to give up my need to ‘control’ and swapped it for ‘Allow’ and remind myself daily that ‘I allow’ things to be as they are 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s