Thank you Kathleen for your post today.
For once I have heard what I have believed all along, my body hangs on to weight for a reason, and that reason is survival. Brilliance. Being overweight on and off, more on than off since age 8, has not been fun. It is not fun to hear others call me fatty Patty, nor see the looks throughout my life as another looks me up and down and makes judgments. Fat= lazy and dumb.
I learned I was to be treated in horrific ways and yet that was accepted. And I continued the hateful treatment towards myself, hating my body, hating myself for years to come, to now. No matter how many miles I ran, the butchery of a gastric stapling, losing 50, 60, 80 pounds repeatedly–it made no difference. I still hated myself, and the weight always came back. My body saw to it. I had no voice, I still crave a voice, and with no voice, my body talks instead. Stay away. Watch out. I’m safe bigger.
Not all childhood sexual abuse is remembered, but the body remembers. Instinct knows it’s survival of the fittest. And bigger is stronger, more threatening. My body hangs onto weight to stay alive; safe. And not until I feel safe, and begin loving my body just as it is, will my internal mechanisms work in sync to release the weight.
This 25 minute video holds so much valuable information for all those still struggling with the trauma of childhood sexual abuse, not just those dealing with weight issues due to trauma, but the basics of coming back to oneself in a place of love, self-love; a new path for me, and one I plan to keep working on.
Relax, breath, feel safe. I still have a long way to go. When doing one activity I’m already jumping ahead, thinking about the next one. Relax into the moment now. It’s OK.