Feelings don’t get through. I cannot risk it, or I should say my psyche, my instincts, an internal defense system guarding me, protecting me. Further injury of a proportion too much will annihilate me. Even my life partner Samuel, I keep him at arm’s length in a way, in a feeling way. I am unable to feel warmth, close intimacy, openness, or love. I can act loving, I cannot feel love. I can love from afar when I think of those that matter, but not with them by my side. Too dangerous… but I can act as if. 

This is not something that saddens me. OK, sometimes it does when I see how others are able to be that I cannot. I’ve lived it since age 8. I know nothing different. I don’t remember before then when I loved and trusted openly, full heartedly. But I know I did.

Children and pets are exempt from my armor and pierce to my core through all barriers filling me with love, companionship, warmth and sustenance.


10 thoughts on “SUIT OF ARMOR

          1. I am spoiled and do not have to leave home, so last winter enjoyed snow-shoeing around the meadow. It has never been that deep before, and without them never could have walked through the snow…which was knee to thigh high!

            Liked by 1 person

  1. I understand… I know what it is to keep people at arms length and panic when they get too close, get suspicious and find ways to sabotage the relationship. Distance and fantasy is safe, even maltreatment and abuse to some extent is safer. I love that you know this about yourself and that you accept it so gently, understanding where it came from! You inspire me to be gentle with myself for this.

    Liked by 1 person

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