Feelings don’t get through. I cannot risk it, or I should say my psyche, my instincts, an internal defense system guarding me, protecting me. Further injury of a proportion too much will annihilate me. Even my life partner Samuel, I keep him at arm’s length in a way, in a feeling way. I am unable to feel warmth, close intimacy, openness, or love. I can act loving, I cannot feel love. I can love from afar when I think of those that matter, but not with them by my side. Too dangerous… but I can act as if.
This is not something that saddens me. OK, sometimes it does when I see how others are able to be that I cannot. I’ve lived it since age 8. I know nothing different. I don’t remember before then when I loved and trusted openly, full heartedly. But I know I did.
Children and pets are exempt from my armor and pierce to my core through all barriers filling me with love, companionship, warmth and sustenance.