What a master at disconnect, without trying, an unfortunate outcome from childhood and numerous, countless sexual attacks from those I loved, trusted and looked up to. I totally disconnect from my body until it cannot be ignored any longer. Also an escape. Be it exercise, drugs, drink, shopping, food, you name it, too much of something may be an escape.

My drug of choice since the age of 8…food. I ate to numb. I ate so much I threw up in the night. Mom kept feeding me. It was all she could do, or would do. Chapter 2:EIGHT

The one thing comforting me has the potential to kill. The recent hospital stay gave me the scare I know I needed. Otherwise, I’d keep up with my life-long habit of pacifying my ache for love with food. Fill the hole up fast then everything is alright.

Except it isn’t. My war torn body has had enough of my tyranny. The fragile lining of my digestive tract bled out. I almost received two units of blood but my meek protests allowed time for blood counts to rise slowly so doctors knew the bleed had stopped. The diagnosis, internal bleed due to Meloxicam use.

With a serious demeanor, looking steadily into my eyes, the attending physician stated “No NSAIDS ever again. ” My GP confirmed this at the follow-up visit after discharge.

In order to heal the area bleeding, other precautions are needed in terms of diet and drink, the same ones as if treating GERD. Though the Meloxicam prescribed for my impinged shoulder caused the bleed, the surgery 30 years ago, and my need to over-fill, made me vulnerable to the medicine. That is my diagnosis.  BUTCHERED

There’s no running off. Time to be here, present, in my body…my poor body. What I’ve done to it over the years, especially these last few when the tissues are wearing out and cannot take my abuse any longer. It is time to care deeply, go deeper, and truly connect within to my insides, a place I’ve been running from.


18 thoughts on “RE-CONNECT

  1. I believe you are resilient~~both your mind and your body. You can heal instead of run. I had this thought the other day that I have been like a body part that fell asleep and then came back to feeling. You know those pins and needles, that prickly feeling when the numbness slowly subsides? So good and bad I am feeling intensely. Letting go of the food issues is painful but I necessary…we can do this, yup I know we can. BTW, I will be thinking of you when I make flower crowns tomorrow with my grand-daughters. I am thinking you should wear a crown as well!

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  2. I have finally stopped running, and I’m beginning to peek behind the curtain that has protected me from the pain caused by the abuse. I took Meloxicam for awhile, but then told the doctor I didn’t want to take it any longer, for fear of bleeding somewhere in the intestinal tract. I do have GERD and take 2 medications for that.


  3. I know that you are both resourceful and courageous and will find ways of re-connecting deeply with your body and making those necessary changes to look after your body. Giving your body the loving-kindness and observing mindfulness with everything that you feed her.

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  4. One baby step at a time. You got this. When I mess up my insides, I go back to the BRAT diet, banana, rice, applesauce, and dry toast. It’s been a while since I’ve had to resort to the basic. I’m usually able to simply step back to bread and milk. Those are my basic comfort foods as well. You’ve come so far. Take care of you.

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    1. Baby steps. Thank you. It helps to hear that and also helps to have support.
      I’m doing OK. Didn’t realize till after the fact that cranberries are similar to aspirin in some ways and my body reacted negatively. Perhaps I’m more in-tune now.And still learning.

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        1. I need to avoid anything that irritates the lining the digestive tract which includes all NSAIDS. Cranberries have an acid similar to aspirin (salicylic) and the body reacts as if is were. For most people it acts as a curative food even used historically for that reason. But for me , and the healing that needs to be done internally where the bleed occurred, it does not help but instead aggravates the area.
          The GERD diet applies for me; no spicy spices, tomatoes or tomato products, coffee or tea, except herbals without spices or citrus, no citrus drinks, no vinegar, lemon juice, black pepper, onion…etc.
          I’m doing Ok with it. Bought some lovely loose leaf tea and brew it. I do miss coffee the most and perhaps after healing I might be able to take up coffee again but I’ll use decaf if I can go back to drinking it at all.

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          1. I learn something new every day. Not easy being on such a restrictive diet. I have a lot of food allergies, and it can be frustrating because unexpected ingredients show up in the oddest places.

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  5. I’ve been “sitting” a lot recently with my problem of disconnecting, Patricia, so as soon as I began reading I related. And food has been my go-to drug of choice, too. Knowledge is power they say. You’ve been through hell but you’ve come back. I believe you have the tools to recover and heal both your body and your soul, sweet friend. Reaching out for support is number one. ❤

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  6. I’m encouraged by your determination! I read that you must follow the GERD diet and that is what I’m supposed to follow, but haven’t been disciplined enough to be successful–and suffer the consequences. But I’ll try harder knowing you have to face deprivation of the “good” stuff, too. I think showing our bodies they are worth all the TLC is important.

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