LOST AND NUMB

~ grace to survive

Picture 1042

I lost myself. Couldn’t or didn’t get back in my body, my soul, the center, that feeling place until now. It started 2 weeks ago when I made trays of cookies and a platter of ham for the bereaved family, and I ate cookies. And more and more throughout the day, feeling sick, numb… and the habit since eight years old took over. Eat, feel numb. Hate myself. Preferable to the present pain of loss.

Where and what happened to that ‘kindness’ towards myself? Gone. Hate and disgust, and not in my body. Not in the moment. Entrapped in numbness, away from me, a third dimension I know how to live in when the going gets rough. So familiar with it, I choose it, or it chooses me, and I stay there till it’s safe to come out. To now, in me, and it’s OK. OK to be back in me. The best I can do is go about the motions until I come back.

23 thoughts on “LOST AND NUMB”

  1. The most important thing is that you are back now! we can’t help it when we are triggered and taken away from ourselves, because I think foe me it means that there is still some healing and feelings to be felt. But you brought yourself back and you will be stronger for it in the coming weeks. you haven’t failed because you went away, like you say its familiar and sometimes the feeling chooses us! It is sad that we do leave ourselves but we have the awareness and clarity to know and that’s a huge thing. Sending you heart smiles and hugs !

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  2. You’ll come back…you’ll be able to find mindfulness for a second, then 10 seconds, then more. You’ll remember how living feels. You’ll remember there are more of us out there, cheering you on…understanding how all that our bodies and minds have gone through has changed us, AND, we can choose one right next step. Just one. The others will follow. It can start with just one right next choice.

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  3. This came up for me when I read this … I’m wondering if perhaps you weren’t completely gone — because if you’re hating yourself while your numbing yourself — isn’t there a flicker of awareness about what you’re doing? You know you’re numbing and it’s the fact that you are numbing anyway that makes you hate yourself. In fact, I think that place of hating ourselves is actually another way of numbing ourselves from the present day pain. If I’m consumed with self-loathing and disgust, well then, I don’t have to feel anything else.

    At least this is always the case for me — the self-loathing comes from feeling like I’ve failed, or given up, or that I’m wretched because I just can’t stop myself from doing and old behavior. Do you know what I mean? It’s hard to get my head around because I do the same thing but I think, in a way, that the shift towards loving-kindness and being compassionate towards ourselves comes if we can look at the old behavior, happening in the moment, and say something like: “Oh man, here you are again! You suck, Old Numbing Behavior, but I must need you here for a while. Hopefully you’ll stay for a shorter period. And you can be here but don’t think I don’t see you and I’m still the one in charge!” Then maybe you can see the cookies as just cookies and the behavior as just behavior without the hangups about them. The hangups and judgments and negative thoughts are almost worse. At least they are for me. AND maybe you can actually say, “To hell with this crap. I’m experiencing loss. I’m grieving and if I’m going to eat the whole tray of cookies, well I’m at least going to enjoy them and not make myself feel like crap about it.”

    How does that sound to you? What do you think? I’m trying these things out for myself and it’s so challenging because it’s a shift in my perception and my relationship with myself. I’m not good at it and even when I am able to go to that loving place, my mind tries to trick me out of it and put me back in my familiar small scared self-hating place. But I’m holding on for dear life and trying not to go there.

    What I get the most out of this is that you’re catching all of this. You’re seeing it. You’re present. I really like this post a lot … which probably explains the novel. 😉 You gave me a lot to think about and I just keep coming to this place of love for you and wanting to cheer you on! I want to tell you to enjoy those damn cookies next time you need them. Welcome back. XO

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  4. I go through the same cycles now and then. I think it is all part of recovery and healing. It is great that you were able to find your way back. Maybe next time it will take a shorter time. Who knows but it is definitely part of the process. I needed that reminder. I eat to soothe myself at 3:00 each day. This is when I feel my greatest discomfort. I am eating healthy foods but I still want to just stay with the comfort and find others ways to soothe.
    Be gentle with yourself and your unfolding process. It is all moving towards good.

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  5. It is so hard…I share your frustration and pain. Sometimes it seems like for every few steps forward, there are equal steps back…And that makes the process so overwhelming. I am sorry you have been in a place where you have felt the need to numb yourself, but I do understand the compulsion and the comfort and then the self-loathing…You are not alone in this cycle. And…from what I know of you from your blog, you will get through this. You will find yourself again and be stronger. I wish I could offer more that these words to support you, but know that you are in my thoughts and I hope you are able to find your resiliency soon. ((hugs))

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  6. Bless you sweetness, I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling like this. My heart goes out to you. It’s so hard to find that place again when this happens. I’m here for you. Gentle hugs for you.

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    1. Thank you.
      Another death is hard to grieve. And one so young. Why so many young people in the group of people I’m related to? A sibling-28, a niece-33, and now a nephew-35…too much. Life is not without suffering, yet I run, and for me that’s to food. It’s hardly helpful, and even less so than ever before.
      An acquaintance approached me in the store today offering condolence. I was OK, until he said, “Enough sorrow for a lifetime.” His words and kind eyes opened the well of tears I had tried to tamp down and cover.
      But that’s OK. Crying is OK.

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  7. I am sorry you are feeling these feelings of being lost and numb. I hope you find your way out of it soon. I am feeling lethargic, and slow… somewhat similar… maybe.. maybe not…

    Thanks for being so open and honest on your blog. It is really quite something.

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    1. Lethargy and slowness due to the approach of fall, in addition, a death to mourn.
      Is it autumn where you live? Do you react to shorter days—less light?
      On the bright side, a frozen shoulder (impinged) is now working and I can use it and raise it about my head. I was lucky to find an excellent physical therapist close-by.

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  8. I am glad you found a good physical therapist!!

    I am recovering from another run in with my family, with another sister. That is the reason for my lethargy….

    But I do think I also get effected by the seasons, it is autumn here too.

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  9. Crying is more than ok and very healing in itself. My tears fell the other day whilst doing breakfast for my youngest. I didn’t want to hide them away. I told her I’m crying not from bring sad just emotions that need to be expressed as I never did as a child.

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