FALL

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As the leaves fall, so do I. I know this to be true every year, every fall, but it crawled up and slapped me. Use the lights. Yes, I walk in the sunshine, but I need to remember to focus on my daily needs. One half hour watching news at 7am with the lightbox, meditate, which has fallen off the last few days, and walking.

I walk the meadow and wonder at my body’s failings. My legs feel funny, a tingling in the feet, like two wooden tree stumps I tell to move one step then another. It is scary when the body fails. When my mind, emotions and spirit are young but the body isn’t. It surprises me.

While moving slowly along the path of crunchy leaves, open hear shaped hickory nuts, a leaf wafting down overhead, I talk realities in my mind, a conversation with myself. At 62 people contract ravaging disease, are in pain, die. You don’t know how long you have or what the quality of your life will be.

It is hard, this loss of strength. Walk more? Exercise more? Yet I know when my legs act up they need rest. Have I caused my own demise? When my friend died, now almost three years ago, I stopped moving, or caring about much of anything. Did a few years of lack of movement, and listlessness bring this on? I remember farther back when I went to the gym trying to incorporate the same exercise that once sustained me, a good work-out on the stair-stepper or my five-mile jog, and the aftereffects of a few days of bent over soreness because my joints couldn’t take it. So no. I don’t believe two years of mourning my friend with the hopelessness and lethargy associated with it caused my problems now.

But I also know the tingling is not good either. Walk to make the circulation better. But after lap 4 I give in to the fatigue. Though I love my grand-daughter dearly, after 4 hours I’m ready for Mother to come. But she’s two hours late because she has a conference with a parent. To be attentive and present for that amount of time exhausts me. Later I snap at Samuel and say terrible things, ricocheting back to my old ways, my foul mouth, my foul mood. Irritable and tired we scrap over silly things, or the big things have piled up so it’s a little thing that makes us blow.

“You are hard to live with,” he mutters.

“Move out! If I’m so hard to live with, leave,” I snipe back with immediacy, hardly any emotion, just a statement of fact.

Why I am not abhorred at my mouth, my words. I’m freaking tired is why. I’m just irritable, tired, and having a hard time moving. And I’m blaming my own self for this overweight, achy body, which could be just as achy if 60 pounds thinner, but maybe not.

Although whatever is going on will proceed anyway with a lighter body, change is in the air. I cannot drag around this excess in body and be happy. I need change. I will find it, provide it, do it. I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again. This time not with a feeling of scarcity, but with a feeling of fullness, wholeness, and generosity; of giving to myself, not taking away. I won’t yearn and dream of food, because I’ve learned to give to myself what that yearning really represented, self-love, self-caring, self-nurturing, a place inside to call home.

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25 thoughts on “FALL

  1. I relate to so much of what you’re writing. When I’m overextended and fatigued, tired and my body doesn’t work the way I want it to, I get terribly afraid. Terrified. I could never explain it but I think what it comes down to for me is this: what if I can’t take care of myself? What if I’m so tired I cannot get through this day. Through this moment. What if my body doesn’t work and I cannot protect myself. I cannot walk away. There’s something so frightening about thinking I cannot rely upon myself. I think when as a child I was tired all of the time, drowning in grief and fear and so many other things, it was hard to get through a day — so being tired does that to me now. I’m triggered and I get angry and then, of course, I get angry with myself. Because I’m the safest person to be angry at. I’m not even sure if I’m making sense, but this is what came up for me as I read your post.

    And also a feeling of being quite proud of you. You began by blaming yourself for not feeling well but you were able to to come to a more compassionate place and finish with loving-kindness and hope. Not always easy to do when we’re freaking tired! “This time not with a feeling of scarcity, but with a feeling of fullness, wholeness, and generosity; of giving to myself, not taking away.” I’m just going to hold on to that today. Thank you!

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      1. Oh, you give me too much credit, that’s just me running with my pants on fire trying to stave off fear! Or it’s the only way I know how to sort it all out. I have to do my deep inner work or I’m shit out of luck when I run out of steam. Right now when that happens, I curl up on the bathroom floor and cry from the self-loathing and rage. Not a fun place to be but I’m guessing you can relate. I’m learning to practice stillness and being gentle. It’s tough though, especially when I’m “freaking-tired!” XO

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        1. I’m new here and to all this – but – you mean, I am not the only one who can only deal w about 4 hours a day – on a good day? My complete memories haven’t come up but they are there.Body memories are coming Other stuff fm older too

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    1. I struggle with fatigue and my deepest fear is what if I cannot take care of myself. What if I can’t protect myself when I am older. I struggle so much now. I also get angry at myself but I have made huge strides in learning loving compassion for how my mind and body work. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I could so relate.

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  2. I love this “a place inside to call home. ” I hate the darkness. I live to have fairy lights up. It creates My own little magical kindom. I’m reading a book called “you can heal your life ” Louise l Hay. I know you can heal yourself as you have done but the book is a little reminder that we need to forgive ourselves over and over again. Warm strength and wishes your way

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  3. I really could connect with your blog. Today I am really struggling with body pain. It is hard to hold a cup in my hand and I know that I will not be able to do any gentle exercise today because every part of me hurts. I wonder if I will regret this as I age. I use to be an avid exerciser but as I have become more compassionate to my body’s pain and fatigue I have challenged my whole approach. Short gentle movement is what I do now and I honor the days that I can’t. I am so glad that we are both being more compassionate with our challenges and limitations.
    My therapist told me yesterday that a lot of people never exercise and sit around a lot. Some of them do live long lives as well. She said this because I saw an advertisement that said, Sitting is the new smoking. Some days all I can do is sit, read, and write.

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    1. Yes. I’ve heard that. Move, move, move. But for me it seems to have the opposite effect.
      Gentle movement, kindness to self and body. Things I need to continue working on.
      Thank you for sharing. It helps so much.

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      1. You’re welcome! I have what may be permanent nerve damage because I didn’t know, so I now speak up when I hear someone mention those symptoms. A good friend of mine also ended up in the hospital in a life threatening situation last week because of extreme anemia caused by very low b12 levels, which no one had thought to check despite her being sick for months. So I’m even more likely to say something now!

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  4. Oh gawwd you’d be just as achy if you lost weight. I lost 40 lbs skin & bones & zero energy. PTSD. On my butt for 2 yrs since a dea6th as well PLUS the memories came up and other present stressors pulled me off recovery. It seems to be a one day at a time journey. Hitting 60 in a few months and stuck around 30 in my mind sometimes makes me think – why? Never married, no kids, Had/lost good career – no family (Bro stole estate & hates me) So Recovery is all for me! I am heading the right way most days, have a good team – but always think others deserve it more than me – Anyone else have that crazy minimizing thought? I want to exorcise it!! Arghhh Cheers to the future!

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