My friend Sue, who passed away, would not spend time doing puzzles. She felt she had to be more productive. I don’t mind wiling away my time doing them as long as the pieces are bigger and there are not too many of them. I don’t feel it’s a waste of time, especially since the activity calms me and my anxious mind. I find coloring provides that settled feeling along with my mosaics too. So if an activity soothes, it is not a waste, as it’s producing chemicals in the brain that help me be a more productive, happy person. That’s my math.
How do you guard your head space? The problem is, being calm enough to sit still to do it. Though my physical space, my home, is not invaded by unwanted others, my own thoughts are the culprits to upsetting my peace causing anxiousness, uneasiness, or restlessness. It’s my thoughts I have to work on and guard against.
One phone call, and I’m upset for hours. A secretary at the dental office telling me I have to pay for something I don’t have to and never did. And I believe she knows this yet it’s easier for her to collect my money instead of her putting the bill into the insurance the correct way…something as simple as that can set me off. But is it really that simple? What is going on here, what is activated inside me?
It’s not the money, it’s the lie. Or my belief she lied to make her own life easier.
I had my card out ready to pay for something that I knew I didn’t owe, yet I held off, telling her I needed to research it. When I called back, no apologies, though she did relay that the office made a mistake when I pinned her down and pressed the issue.
Others, too many, just about all others, will take advantage of you if you let them, and this includes friends and family. She certainly was ready to. It’s the lie. Others may call it a little fib and think nothing of it, yet this is the type of thing over the years that causes a huge wallop in my day. I’m top heavy with having things taken, too much heaped on, more lies, treachery, deceit, more being taken when I have nothing else to give. If you keep taking more I’ll evaporate.
As I stew over the interchange, wishing I had known the perfect thing to say during the second call, instead of thanking her for steamrolling me, I worked on the puzzle, a gift from my son. Feel the love. Yet I thought of all the years this kind of thing would unlock my rage always there at the ready, rattling in my cage. I would be upset for days over a remark, even by a stranger. Then I’d calm until the next one.
Mind control. Self talk. No, you handled it alright. No, I wish I had said this, and this, and this…. and it goes on like that with my head bent over the puzzle. Breathe. Sputter. Breathe.
Samuel said, “Call back again.”
When have I ever seen Samuel upset with someone, either on the phone, or in person? Never. He stews internally, and it comes out in other negative ways. So no, I won’t call back a third time.
As the pieces fit in, my breathing slows, and I calm. These things are what make me leave a practice, then wish I hadn’t. Because humans are everywhere. It’s how I deal with them that has to change.
I don’t like how she handled it. I thought I could trust her. I thought she was honest. The kind of people I like are rare. They are the ones who won’t take advantage even if you allow it. That’s character.
So I calmed enough to extinguish thoughts of leaving the practice, but I will continue to be very wary of her.
I said to Samuel, “You have to always be on guard with people.”
And he answered, “Yes.”
Well, I didn’t know that. I always was on guard, but lacked the internal skills to prevent being taken advantage of. He always had those skills, not because he raged as if hopping on hot coals, but because his internal world had not been shattered, the piece strewn in a thousand directions. He remains intact alongside the foibles of others, while I fall apart. That has never changed, not really. Trust remains an issue.
So the evening wore on as I worked on the puzzle, interrupting Samuel’s movie less and less as I realized he was not feeling this was the end of the world, nor should I. And I decided that I need not leave the practice over this. That wouldn’t hurt her, the secretary, or the dentist. Well, I’ll just leave, I’ll show you. Lie to me, lose my business. Would she care? Would the dentist ever even know? Or would my actions only hurt myself.
That has been a recurring issue for me that I would like to put to rest, yet the phone calls keep coming, the interactions that involve discrepancies, disagreements, and conflict keep coming. It’s how I deal with them that I can learn to control and monitor. And that smooths out over time as I evolve, becoming more forgiving, more accepting of myself so then others, more centered, more able to speak when confronted with others ‘stuff’, and so many other factors that improve as I grow.
In the meantime, another puzzle?