Picture 575

Do you go to the waters, rushing nearby, clean, sparkling and Healthy?

Or to the place with no remorse.

The people who will hurt you.

I go to the empty well, over and over. I never seem to learn,

The people with no character, depth, or true love.

I have springs of fresh, clear love so close.

I choose to go where none forth comes.

Why do I search for what I can’t have

In places where I need it-

In 9th grade, we moved to a new city.  CHAPTER 5   I made friends who accepted me as I am.  Instead, I tried hanging out with the popular crowd, never fitting in. How could I? Their worth wasn’t about friendship, kindness or truth, but about who, what, or where. Of course I didn’t fit in. And had I been old enough to see, I’d have known I wouldn’t want to.

My son always knew his group of friends were not the popular kids, and their crowd rejoiced in that fact, reveled in it, made sly jokes about it, proud of it. It gave me pause and made me smile.

In the chorale I belonged to for over 15 years, I had made friends with our pianist, yet felt something ‘off’ all along. The way he sought out my son to care for his cats, and going out of his way to insure my son sat on the piano bench next to him turning pages during our concerts. His discussion of teaching at a boy’s school made me wonder why he had left. Red flags were flying. 

He wore flowing pastoral robes when he married my eldest son and his bride.

The congregation where he led the choir, housed him for free in the house next door to the church, including free internet. That is, until he was arrested for crack and a computer filled with young male pornography, so young that an investigation had to be done as to their ages. Children. Not my child who was a teenager at the time and never had alone time with him.

I looked up to this charlatan, because he was a minister, on the library board, directed his church choir, and was our talented, gifted pianist of the county chorale. He had important connections, social status, and many other things I didn’t possess. But that was all on the outside. What lay inside was a liar. A man too afraid to come out of the closet with his gayness, so turned instead to crack, and porn and young boys.

He could have had a relationship with a man his own age. But he was too afraid of losing all the free goodies given to him if he owned his gayness; the free house, the free internet, the high standing in the community that looked up to him. So I was not the only one fooled.

His perversions spoiled chorale for me. He protracted cancer not long after his disgrace. And died. Our chorale sang at his service but not his church. That church wouldn’t have him. Our church, the one where we practiced. I couldn’t follow through after that, starting practices, then quitting. That they honored a true pedophile, one who lacked the courage to be who he really was, and instead lusted after children, soiled the group for me.

I seem to deal with two opposites within. Maybe it’s like losing one of the five senses, another becomes heightened. My ability to trust was shattered. And the result, or one of them is that I’m highly suspicious of others real intentions. I am more aware of what others are really up to. I am glad for this. It keeps me safe. And not.

In opposition, I turn to those that harm, because I’m familiar with outer shells, evil, lies, deceit, and the pretense of kindness… Like a moth to flame, the brightness, the lure of finally receiving what I longed for from my birthright, from a family, looking for it throughout my life in all the wrong places. 

I want to say SHE, but it is me who tends to seek out that which I am familiar with- That which harms and cannot, or will not give back.

Go to the springs of healthy life.

To my massage therapist who says she loves me, hanging my mosaic proudly in her office, genuinely happy for the gift, no strings attached.

Go to my friend who is Always there if I need her- but I will not ask for help. ASK.

Go to my husband, and learn to be open. Discover the gifts that I was too stressed to enjoy during the busier years of our marriage. Keep coming together in ways we never were able to before. Share this beautiful, peaceful life-

Go to the Earth, the Trees, the Flowers, and Critters… Go to where you will be filled…

What other wells have I dare not tapped that are rich, and healthy and full?



    1. Just watching the monarch in the meadow this morning, alighting on the flowery weed, sucking it’s syrup… is enough for me. To snap back out of my worried reverie to enjoy that moment. I was once not able to do that. So I hope you too fill up the well…

      Liked by 2 people

        1. Yes. It’s really all I ever wanted or needed. To be happy is to be at peace. And I wish that for you.
          I allow my mind and worries to carry me from the moment, but that butterfly, monarchs rare this summer for some reason, brought me back. The darn thing was as big as a bird and caught my eye, and my worries, tossing them away into the sunny perfect day. I tried to pay more attention to my walk in the meadow, and worries answer themselves when I’m not fretting about them. The answers come. And I have more control over them than I give myself credit for.

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! The Tree of Life with real hickory branches from our hedgerow.
      I wonder though. I may be more aware of my tendency to cleave to the familiar and unhealthy. So hopefully that keeps me in a better place. Either that, or I’m safe because I am not big at socializing, other than friend to friend, or my monthly group of women friends.


        1. Took awhile to ponder this. Trust may be a part of it but listening to that whisper down deep is the key. Though more connected to places besides my head than I used to be, I can easily over-look that little urge or feeling that is trying to lead me. It can be ignored or brushed aside in the busyness of the day.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I believe that we have a good radar for abusive people and situations. We need to trust that and really it is a gift. We need to trust our gift of fear Reframed that just means we have been through enough bad that we recognize it a mile a way. Sometimes it is more obvious than others. I was telling my T about this professional that I felt ever so uncomfortable around and I thought she was going to tell me to ignore it and that I was probably wrong but she told me to trust my instinct and that she felt I had a good grasp on creepy people, or something along that line. Really there are more good and wonderful people in this world and we can and will surround ourselves with them…when we get out and socialize!


  1. What a beautiful post! Yes I can relate as always because I have always been attacted to what hurts me. It’s embedded so deep that even now I have trouble pulling away. It’s a deep dark subconscious pull that I am becoming aware of and hopefully will bring into the conscious so that I can pull away in time. Yes the deceit the falseness the empty smile that covers so mych ugliness is what I am drawn to. Even now with all the awareness I have to be on my guard and watchful! Wish I could attract healthy people only and take from the richness you describe instead of going to familiar places!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, me too, attract only healthy people, or at least know the difference and take water from healthy springs. I seem to want for what won’t come, maybe to make everything right.
      Yet I accept that I will be drawn there sometimes, and I need to just remember to let it go, not beat myself up for what comes naturally. My childhood was anything but natural, so of course I will be drawn there sometimes, to places unhealthy.
      (that’s the goal- not beat myself up for up)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s a good goal. Yes I think I am attracted to what is not healthy to make it right sometimes. That is why it feels like my life is a struggle because I try to make things work all the time and change things and yes subconsciously it is the little girl trying to make her parents right in all the people I meet. But I can’t they are who they are and my father did what he did. Those who haven’t suffered as I did, would probably walk away from the same people and situations I stay with.


  2. Beautiful mosaic!Nature helps me feel at peace and so does art.
    I can also relate to so much of what you and others have said.
    It is so very hard to not go with what is comfortable, even though it hurts us! It took me years of anxiety and fear to go against the comfortable toxic people and abuse..But now I love the new ‘peace & safety’ I feel 70% of the time with my husband. The other 30% I still have nightmares of abandonment, cheating, abuse, death, pain etc..They are so deeply ingrained in me..I wish you and everyone in the same boat, more and more peace & love. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Anxiety and fear. Yes. Fighting the tide of my childhood training; don’t speak up, don’t be angry, be nice, be ashamed, take care of other, not yourself, be quiet, be little, meek and mild—anxiety and fear explains it very well, how hard it is to grow into a person who can stand up and care for herself.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Like so many others, I can also relate to being attracted to or impressed with people who are actually toxic or even dangerous. Sometimes I think it is like tellingheavysecrets suggested, a desire to “fix” things from the past. Sometimes I have gone it knowing it was dangerous but believing I deserved what I got. But we’re learning new ways, learning to trust our instincts and choose the deep well with its clear, cool water.

    P.S. I’m not sure I agree though that unacknowledged homosexuality is what draws men to child porn. Men loving other men is very different from men abusing or enjoying the abuse of children. I think that is something else, a deep illness inside that pulls them to draw sexual satisfaction from great pain.

    Liked by 1 person

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