FAMILY NO MORE, NOR EVER

pp

I tiptoe around ‘family.’ Who are not my real family, only those who I had the unfortunate luck to born unto. But two nights in a row of waking at 2am. unable to sleep, I wrote an honest email to the second wife of the brother who once was father-like to me. I loved who he was then. Who he is now I don’t know, other than a bit scary as I find I am still child-like in my need for approval. And he inter-acts with Tom and has all along. I feel treated as if I am the problem because I do not welcome monsters into my life with open arms.

I am tired, and worn, from leading two lives; one the pretend, one the real. I want to live whole, real, and who I am. Not placating the men who are biological brothers, yet not brothers in the real sense of the word. I lived my life pleasing others, placating them, protecting them and their family name. I want to live. And live as me. This is my email to her after calling up to check in and hearing news of Tom mainly. Not her. But Tom, his ex-wife, and their daughter. None of which I have contact with, nor want to. They are not ‘family.’ None of my ‘family’ is family. Not really. I have had to make my own. 

“I don’t suppose you meant anything, but hearing the ‘Wilkins’ news is not something I am interested in. It would have been nice to hear about you, your art work and latest projects in your studio, things like that we share, I’m all ears. But Tom? I don’t care, I don’t want to know. I don’t want to be reminded of the person who has caused the most damage and pain in my life.

You don’t know much about me, or don’t care. After Mom died I finally no longer had that one person shoving Tom down my throat, wanting everything all better… not for me, but for her. That is until you. I don’t have a relationship with him…or his ex-wife. She washed her hands of me long ago. And Tom? Have you even read my book? Do you know nothing about me? I cannot play two me’s anymore. The one pretending. The one I am. My brothers have ripped my life apart and in ways that I will deal with my entire life. And not in a fun way, but in a very destructive way. Life- long damage.

I do not hate Tom. I do not wish to tear him into pieces like I once did. I wish him only good things. But he is nothing to me. I don’t feel good, bad or indifferent. Maybe pity.

I do not want to hear updates in the life of Tom.

You, yes. You, your kids, my niece and nephew, Don, but why would I want to hear about those who have only caused great, and incapacitating hurt, pain and damage? Pain and damage I still have to work daily to overcome. I don’t. Please don’t give me updates about people who have nothing to do with me. It feels like an intentional jab though I don’t believe you did so as one. Perhaps you don’t like sharing about you, and your own life.

I wish him well in whatever he does, whatever endeavors, or wherever he goes. But I don’t need to know. I don’t want to know. I don’t want reminders of his treatment of me through the years. “

CHAPTER 19:VISIONS OF SUGAR PLUMS 

And no one cares that I wrote a book about the truth of my life. No one asked the name of it when I said I wrote it. I care. I also sent the Amazon link to Seth while up in these wee hours of the morning, whether he reads it or not. I am tired of living in pretense. Come what may. Take me or leave me. In all respects they left me a long time ago, at the age of eight years old. 

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36 thoughts on “FAMILY NO MORE, NOR EVER

  1. Good for you for standing up for your needs and taking care of yourself. I hope she respects the boundaries you have set. Hopefully, this has settled part of your brain and you will be able to sleep more.

    Is that your meadow with the rainbow?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much. I have never before found such support like I found from fellow women who have lived through similar traumas and it strengthens me greatly making my life full.
      Yes! My little meadow and cheap camera! Ain’t that one a beauty? And a double too. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Wow, I set a boundary. I spoke up! Miracles happen!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow. Go you. This was really hard…or, at least it sounds like it had to be hard, but you stood up for you. You sent links with your book.,basically saying “here is my truth. I won’t hide anymore.” Good Job! I hope the little girl part of you can feel more settled and peaceful and know that the grown up you is taking care of her. I’m so amazed by you. Xx💜

    Liked by 1 person

        1. Oh, thank you. I needed that. She responded exactly as I expected. And I’m sure Don is angry at me for upsetting her. But, but, but. My chest area has this scratchy pain going on because I know I upset Don because I upset her. It hurts. And why I chose her when she really isn’t even related by blood, and also because she too suffered as a child, is beyond me. I’d have to ask Freud. I never want to add injury to a woman who suffered abuse as a child. But since she did, what scare little but a mention that I know of, why wouldn’t she have the compassion to stop bringing up the life of my abuser, and one abuser who caused the most pain, struggle, and psychological damage throughout my life? His facial expressions exactly look like Bill Cosby’s. So I don’t mean to hurt or upset her, just set boundaries I needed to set long ago, yet lacked the strength or feeling inside that I could live my life without any of them. And instead rely on myself. And I can. I have anyway.
          And if Don were to chastise me once more, of the many times he has in the past, I will say the same thing. I do not need updates about the one person who has almost destroyed me, not by you or anybody else. If you can’t respect that simple request, then perhaps we ought not to interact.
          (we hardly do anyway. But in trying to figure this out, this scratchy pain in chest of never wanting to hurt Don or anybody else… I have to ask, ‘What about me?’ Don’t I have rights? Don’t I get to draw a line?
          I’m still working it out. Thank you…

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Yes, you have rights, and yes you get to draw the line. Doing so makes that achy bad feeling in your chest sometimes, but I think deep down there is a part of you that knows you have rights.
            Sending lots of hugs. I hope the bad feelings go away soon. You did nothing wrong. Xx

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Patricia, writing letters was so healing for me. Speaking always reduced me to tears but I could say what needed to be said with writing. You did just that in that letter. Good for you-spot on❤️

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve been there, Patricia. We want our writing to change something I guess. And it hurts when it doesn’t. But it let me know I had the strength to say what was needed–my truth–and they showed who they were in their response. Letting go of the toxic people in my life took a long time. Now I recognized who my family is–my tribe: hand chosen. You’re courageous, Patricia ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. It takes strength and courage to walk away from family – something I so very much see in you. Don’t pretend anymore – just be the real you! I left “fake” behind a while back and I haven’t ever looked back. My life has been so much better since walking away from some of my family – now I just need the strength to make a finally break from the rest. Like you wrote – they haven’t been true “family” to me in a long time. HUGS to you sweetness!

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  5. I had similar responses from my family about my blog. No one was interested in reading it or at least they never said anything to me. It really hurt. I can really relate to the take me or leave me. I think I am getting to that point in my life. However, I still get sadden by the constant pain and challenges that are in my life as a result of trauma. It does stay with you for a life time.
    Some weeks, days are easier than others. Thanks for your honesty.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. The thing that links me to her is my daughter. My daughter has a good relationship with her. The thing we do for our kids… and the way our kids are used to manipulate us.

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  6. I echo Heidi’s comment. Good for you!! I only wish that my older brother’s (violator) wife knew about what he did. Because he’s never breathed a word about his and my past, his perfect little family lives in complete ignorance. And if I were to spill the beans, their family would be shattered. And it would be on me. Now how messed up is that? I was repeatedly raped, impregnated, forced to give up my child, forced to keep the secret, and if I tell, the outfall is my fault. Makes no sense at all.

    I wish I could meditate without falling asleep. I’ve tried and tried, but I always fall asleep. One thing that I have found that has helped me profoundly is a wonderful hypnotherapist. She’s helped me to go back in time and do real healing, substantial healing. And it hits so deep and happens so quickly because it’s done at the subconscious level. I can’t speak highly enough of the success and progress I’ve made to date. Anyway, I’m holding you with as much support as I can muster.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well, thank you so much. I need the support because I’m not getting it elsewhere. Just harshness and cruel backlash due to my insistence of not being a doormat.
      I am sorry for all you endured and shared in the first section. Just so many horrors.
      Truth, whether it shatters a family or not, would not be your fault though so called ‘families’ like to make it that way.

      Liked by 1 person

        1. I have to giggle because very often I too say the things I need to hear. And as I go about my day after reading her retort, I am self-talking. And exactly that. That when people hear things they don’t like or don’t want to hear, they strike back. I so appreciate you for being there for me. Thank you!

          Liked by 1 person

  7. The person who caused me hurt, pain and damage, died in 2004, and I moved away long before that. My brothers did as well, but I don’t think it was for the same reason. For over 30 years I have been fighting to get past hurt and pain, but the damage . . . I don’t think that’s going to be repaired. I do not think about him anymore.

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  8. Her response says less about you than it does about her. She may as well have written ” please allow me to keep my head buried in the sand because if I have to face your truth, I will have to face my own”. You are such a strong and courageous woman!!! You deserve the support and love you receive in the blogging community because you are simply amazing…sending hugs your way!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I really need to hear that. It means a great deal coming from from you because you are so level headed, intelligent and insightful.
      I do know she suffered as a child via her grand-father. So she may choose to live differently than me in that I had to hit it head-on to survive. Maybe that would destroy her, so I am dangerous and the enemy.
      My intent was certainly not to cause her pain but only to finally say No, that’s not OK with me and this is why. I hoped that since she too went through trauma she might apologize, understand and be supportive instead of the opposite.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It took me years to give up the hope that my sister would come around and join me in this fight to survive. I know she went through some of the same abuse as I did. What I have come to understand is that for some reason she does not have the strength to face what was done to us. She goes to court mandated therapy and has still never addressed the incest. Holding out hope that she would change was killing me but then I realized that facing the abuse may truly kill her. I used to think it was that wouldn’t face it but now I believe she truly just can’t. That being true she can’t cope with my truth so she avoids me. She swears she loves me and I swear she doesn’t even know me!

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  9. I always hesitate to comment because I’m always worried I’ll say the wrong thing or something. But I know that feeling. Placating people. You deserve your own life. I know what you mean when you say you had to make your own family. I’m still in the process of doing that–it’s a life long thing I think. Don’t play that game anymore. I’ve lived two separate lives and spent most of my time trying to get away from both of them. YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER and if you family will not respect your wishes and not talk about your awful “brother” I would just cut ties. I’ve done it before. It’s hard but worth it. Maybe after you cut ties, sometime in the future they will respect you and get it, and want you back in their lives but their complete apathy is horrible. You deserve better ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Those are kind words.
      It has been bothering me for weeks. With support here, and much self-talk, I’m doing better.
      I don’t like receiving emails that are emotional like that, so try very hard to not send them. So if I had a chance, I’d go back and not send it.
      I make mistakes. It’s not the end of the world. I will continue to make them and need to learn to let myself off the hook… not easy for me.
      I resisted sending a note of apology. Maybe I owe one. Yet something in me would find it a lie to apologize for speaking my truth..(finally)
      It is just the mode I used that wasn’t my best choice. And even with the mode… sometimes when holding something in for so long, and the same person repeats insensitive lines of communication like she has done, then what finally comes out may not be perfect, or graceful, but messy, and too harsh.
      Speaking up to another just feels harsh for me because it’s a rare thing for me to do, always most concerned with the other’s feelings…
      Your words of support mean so much. More than know. Thank you…

      Like

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