Sitting on the patio this morning with coffee, I soak in the beauty around me as hummingbirds zoned in behind my head to the feeder. A web only a few away is laced between the Hostas with the largest spider I’ve ever seen. It seemed apropos to how I’ve been feeling….
I tend to want to run. Solace is right where I am.
I wanted to leave, go somewhere, anywhere. To a store. To a movie. But my body is still weak after so much dis-ease. So I stay. And I’m better to the point where I can again walk the meadow, and during slow easy laps, I unwind. I begin to let in the beauty and peace around me.
I let a tear fall for the feelings that come and go about the people I love and their hurts and losses; my one younger brother for instance, who lost his 30 year old daughter two years ago due to an overdose. And the tear for me who cannot be close to him, the death seemingly driving us further away from each other.
And maybe a tear for the upheaval I go through because my tendency even now is to react to things with urgency, as if life or death, as if it has to fixed right now. And with this tendency, that shall probably remain, because childhood offered much of the same, life or death horrors which maimed my ability to be calm— because I was in a life or death situation—is something about me that just is. I don’t have to hate it, but be gentle…try to accept the damage done and show love instead of rejection.
I am not stuck in a web, but master of it.