STAY

001

Sitting on the patio this morning with coffee, I soak in the beauty around me as hummingbirds zoned in behind my head to the feeder. A web only a few away is laced between the Hostas with the largest spider I’ve ever seen. It seemed apropos to how I’ve been feeling….

I tend to want to run. Solace is right where I am. 

I wanted to leave, go somewhere, anywhere. To a store. To a movie. But my body is still weak after so much dis-ease. So I stay. And I’m better to the point where I can again walk the meadow, and during slow easy laps, I unwind. I begin to let in the beauty and peace around me.

I let a tear fall for the feelings that come and go about the people I love and their hurts and losses; my one younger brother for instance, who lost his 30 year old daughter two years ago due to an overdose. And the tear for me who cannot be close to him, the death seemingly driving us further away from each other.

And maybe a tear for the upheaval I go through because my tendency even now is to react to things with urgency, as if life or death, as if it has to fixed right now. And with this tendency, that shall probably remain, because childhood offered much of the same, life or death horrors which maimed my ability to be calm— because I was in a life or death situation—is something about me that just is. I don’t have to hate it, but be gentle…try to accept the damage done and show love instead of rejection. 

I am not stuck in a web, but master of it. 

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “STAY

  1. Beautifully written Patricia. When I read other bloggers posts I look for phrases I can take away, ones that speak to how I feel at times during this healing process, short simple ones I can recall in the moments I feel like running or when I am stuck. I love this one – I tend to want to run. Solace is right where I am. I too am a runner. Flight being my preferred escape. I am going to start looking for solace right where I am. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Beautiful photograph to complete such a heartfelt post.

    I have the same tendency to run and the life/death reactions. I feel bad because my even my little boy notices that sometimes I my emotional reaction is out of proportion to the event. It’s something that I will probably never be able to change just manage gently! Sometimes I fail miserably and sometimes I am better at it!

    that solace is like gold.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you!
      I also worried that my challenges would effect my sons negatively. But what my soft spots did was open their own capacity for compassion and deepen their gentle spirits towards generosity and sensitivity to others and within themselves.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Beautiful images, the photo and the words.

    I am actually the opposite of everything urgent, everything life or death. I tend to minimize things and pretend they don’t matter even though they do. I bury emotions and they turn into dark thoughts or psychosomatic illnesses. Where is the healthy balanced space in between the extremes?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a great question. Balance is something I work to achieve each day. Not always successfully. Balance…
      The ways one finds to cope with what no child should have to cope with, is a testament to each child’s brilliance, tenacity, and strength. I try to celebrate that as I piece together shards of broken tiles, smoothing the edges, making it beautiful.
      My way of dealing with things may soften or be tempered somewhat, but not much. And it’s how I survived. So I work with what is, and find solace in the process. It’s not what I’d choose, but none of get to choose what happens, just what to do with it afterwards.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s