Here it comes. The DOWN. So I must work harder to keep afloat. Last winter seemed the best of all winters. It was the coldest in my memory. And maybe it had to do with hunkering down by the coal stove, then bundling up for the laps in the meadow that could only happen with snowshoes due to the depth of the snow. No way could one walk that path hip deep with snow. Or maybe because I had the pleasure on not having to go out to scrape off my windshield and drive hazardous roads.

And the frozen snap of trees in sub-zero temps, feeling alone but not lonely by the solid creek, as if I were an Eskimo out trapping. If I dealt with my usual winter depression, it didn’t feel as if so. But I also worked hard to maintain that OK-ness, every day, sometimes every moment.

So I need to get back to work on it, the normal every day work. Pain and medical things blew that out of the water. Moments of happiness and peace surely remain, over-riding the challenges. I remember peace on the beach, as my wool blanket encased me, warming my body chilled from fighting off disease, as others bathed on the sandy beach; yet I felt wrapped in love and warmth watching my son play with his children, my husband at my side in the shade, the medicine taking effect.

And though this last scare left me wobbling in fear and pain, the miracle of medications to treat such things is certainly a testament to the tenacity and brilliance of the human race, always moving forward, finding answers, discovering cures. Just look at a skyscraper. Humans are such wondrous creatures. But as I heal slowly, I can work once again on the everyday things, and am grateful.

I went through so much extra pain during this last episode due to my own mind-set. I had this idea in my mind of the graceful person who handles disease without a complaint. I could name one, a fellow blogger, Janet. And another, my friend Sue, who died a few years ago of cancer, with never a complaint and only a smile. I fail, and fail miserably. I am not a hero. I am not silent about pain and fear. I fall apart. But that’s OK. I am held up when I fall down by others, and am grateful.

Thank you!


10 thoughts on “FALL

  1. One of the things that I’ve always found challenging, when dealing with repetitive cycles of being down, is that they tend to creep up and swallow you up before you realize you’re headed in that direction again, and once enveloped in that atmosphere, it gets difficult to remember that this is a cycle, and not a permanent state of being. No one can be expected to stay in that space forever, as it is intolerable and uncomfortable in a way that is so hard to describe, but thankfully, when we keep pushing through until we reach the other side, our lungs fill up with air again, and we remember that we are still alive, and that not every day feels like one of those days.

    Chronic pain added into the mix just makes the path down that road more challenging, but again, thankfully, we do end up finding pockets of joy, or even just plan quietness and non-eventful days. Sometimes just one quiet day is enough to recharge our spirit, and we begin, again. And again.

    Hang in there, and remember to give yourself permission to indulge in nurturing yourself from time to time, even if that only means an extra five minutes in a hot shower, or a spritz of that perfume you save for special occasions. Wear that outfit that makes you feel bright and colorful. Bake those cookies that send your nostalgic spirit spiraling down the hall of memories. Do whatever you can to distract, nurture, and indulge the tender side of yourself, so that your strong side has time to rest.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. That’s right Patricia, you don’t have to be silent through your pain because that is not necessarily heroic in my books. You are allowed to complain and feel bad about it because you are human. You have had to bear so much pain in silence and you are a HERO already for the way you have dealt with it- with the grace of a butterfly. You haven’t done anything wrong and you are still here reflecting on all those challenges that you are facing. You are facing it all! Be kind to you.

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  3. I just want to add that sometimes when we are feeling bad and in pain we might feel like we have failed or are not doing as well as we thought. Maybe we think that success means not to have any bad feelings, complaints etc but i think this line of thought is erroneous but all too common. Living is about feeling the good and the bad! It’s like in meditation when we observe the good thoughts and the bad thoughts without judgement but compassion. I know that this very hard to do when your mind is flooded with negative thoughts and your body is crying out in pain; but in those moments it is especially important to give ourselves an inner hug and be especially tender to ourselves. Success is not being ok all the time. Success is accepting it all and still loving ourselves in the process.

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  4. I have to endure my pain alone (not completely – God is always here), there is no one to hear me groan, or moan in pain when my symptoms flare. This morning is a fine example of that. The nerve problems are getting worse, with neuropathy appearing in more and more places in my hands and feet. All I can do is turn the pain over to Him, do what I can, and go on with my day.


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