What if I wasn’t such a schizo-nutball? I mean really. I have meditated now for almost 15 years, a half hour daily. And it has helped greatly, more than helped, I honestly believe it has mended my broken brain but some rabid parts remain. I still tend to go off the deep end easily, go from calm to full-on anxiousness immediately, taking a dive off a cliff. Yet the new found self-love and compassion tempers my tendency to beat myself up for it, almost.

Medical people upset me. I’m scared and don’t see them enough to feel comfortable. When I do meet a Doc that I like the office sucks, and more pointedly, makes errors that threaten lives. Or I like an office’s capability but the Doc needs to seek out a career in research, not any place where people are involved.

My GYN, who I do love, put me on an Estrogen product in hopes to ward off further episodes of UTI’s. I’ve had three in the last year after never having any. This is not via the oral route as that product has been linked with cancer so is no longer commonly given. I search the web after my first application, worried and scared about putting any product in or on my body.

The web gives conflicting information about whether topical estrogen is effective in warding off UTI’s. So with superior intelligence I think, what if I eat more estrogen? Then I won’t have to take this product for the rest of my life. I use soy milk on my daily bran cereal adding 6 tablespoons of various seeds jammed packed with estrogen.

That night I wake with sharp pains in the lower left abdomen. This goes on for a week before I begin to realize something is not right. It hurts, and while meditating, when I’m most in my body and centered, there is pain. I have disconnected from the pain as I often do, though at others times am exquisitely sensitive to it; like seeing a bruise and never knowing how it got there.

We go to the ER but after an hour I go home to bed and call the new MD in the morning. I am trying yet another doctor, about number 10 in just about as many years. That last one I left because after waiting a half hour I walked down the hall to the bathroom and heard the nurse on the phone ordering a full course breakfast for all the staff, about seven very long orders; what kind of toast, over easy, scrambled, hash browns on one, etc. I was incensed, and walked out.

I’m already impressed with the new office because the woman at the desk was busy, efficient and got to the facts immediately then back to her work extremely focused. Samuel went in with me so I’d have his opinion of my new doctor too. Before I even got back to the desk after seeing the doctor, they had already put in my scripts to the pharmacy, ordered my x-ray, (we decided to wait for the CT because the diagnosis of diverticulitis was fairly clear anyway), and my bloodwork labs were also done, laying there ready for me. They don’t fool around and they certainly have no time to break for breakfast.

Yes, I believe I gave myself this immediate problem, which if unresolved could have led to life threatening complications like a perforated bowel. So why? Why can’t I be calm like Samuel? Why do I fall off the deep end? Especially where my body is concerned. Lack of control of what my body is doing, so I panic? Things going on inside that I don’t understand?

I try to fix things by going over-board, like the seeds… I just cannot maintain equilibrium. As a nurse, why don’t I know these things? I can be objective, calm, and use better judgement for others. For me? Whacko. I mean, 6 tablespoons of seeds? Now I see my error. I didn’t then. A teaspoon or so of seeds are fine, but this amount can gather in pockets of the colon. Pockets can form for many people over the age of 50 and usually is not problem. But if foods can’t get through, they are trapped along with waste material and bacteria forms leading to inflammation and infection.

I am feeling better, on a clear liquid diet, which rests the affected area. It’s just hard to believe my actions sometimes. I will chalk it off to a broken brain. Some of it I just can’t mend.


27 thoughts on “BALANCE

  1. I get very upset when my body does things that I do not expect…that are not regular to my system. When things like that happen, I feel like I don’t know my body and/or that my body is betraying me somehow. For me, I think it is about control, or about the lack of control when things were being done to my body that I didn’t want/understand.

    In terms of your over-doing it with the seeds….You were trying to do a good thing, which is wonderful. Yes, it looks like you went a bit overboard, but the fact that you can see your mistake and correct it says a lot. I don’t know if you accept virtual hugs, but I would like to offer you one…I don’t think you’re wacko and I hope you don’t really think you are either.

    And I hope your gut feels better soon!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You are not at all a nutball Patricia, and I think underneath everything, you actually know that yourself. You have had traumatizing life experiences and have made enormous gains in your ability to live a balanced, happy life. But you’ve also been left with a hyper-alert nervous system that can be triggered by noises or health scares. You will always have that, and it doesn’t make you crazy. It’s just a scar you carry. You may cope by going a little overboard (thankfully there is help available to correct the problem) or maybe you can develop some additional coping strategies, like talking to Samuel and getting his perspective. Or maybe you want to try the idea out on your blogging friends before you go for it. Whatever you do, no judgment, just care and understanding and affection.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Definitely not a wacko. Nope. Not to me. How about survivor? 😉 I hear you loud and clear and my stomach flip-flopped when you wrote: “Why do I fall off the deep end? Especially where my body is concerned. Lack of control of what my body is doing, so I panic?” Because I get that — the panic that surges when I feel a lack of control over my own body. A cold sweat breaks out. I usually end up trying to make the people I’m angry at feel better — so I feel less afraid and vulnerable. Meaning I’d be super nice to the office staff instead of being appropriately angry or advocating for myself and then when I left I’d feel even worse because I didn’t take care of myself.

    I also get the upset-ness and distrust about doctors and staff. There is a fear of never being cared for properly, never being seen; that something is terribly, terribly wrong and they will, in fact, miss it or tell me it’s not real. That’s my mother. All care givers become my mother.

    I think you have good insight into your process. I hate to hear you talk negatively about yourself. You makes sense to me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, you are so helpful to me. Despite all my efforts at trying to be gentle with myself, I still am so harsh.
      I guess by whacko and nutball, it doesn’t seem rational to over-do. Words are so important. I could re-phrase and say, I overdid a possible remedy, or, tried to hard, or I am impatient.
      But the tendency to just go at myself harshly remains and takes work.
      Your encouragement means so much, and is so helpful. Thank you.
      I fretted over not hearing from you. Hope you have recovered from your races and without damage to any body parts…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m so sorry for falling off the map for a while. I was so mindful that I was not writing but somehow I just didn’t have the head space for it. My race went really well and I’m happy and gearing up again. We stayed in Lake Placid and vacationed for longer than we had planned. Since getting home I’ve had three kids home with summer camp having ended and no time to write. I miss it a lot. I do post on Facebook daily or almost daily but my hope this fall is to link the two sites. It feels odd to be so disconnected and to not have the pages connected.

        But I digress … I just really got everything that you were saying. And that harsh critic. I wanted you to know that. You’re not alone and I think your awareness is huge. I look at your willingness to take care of yourself as a gift. You’re staying connected instead of disassociating or disconnecting. At least that’s how I see it.

        Feel better! Sprinkle the seeds lovingly. XO

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I can so identify with this. I tend to over react to health concerns. Maybe it is about not having practice with how to take care of ourselves. In my professional life as a counselor, I am calm, focused and have the utmost patience……with myself not so much.


    1. You nailed it. I do not seem to know how to do that for me, yet as a nurse, or for my kids, husband and friends, it’s very much the opposite.
      That feeling of having no say or control of what my body is doing adds a good amount of terror also, then stepping out in medical arena with those I don’t know or trust.
      Thank you. Though I dislike that you experience this, I am also comforted that I am not alone.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. You arent a wacko. Not at all. I think it’s maybe normal or something when you are a survivor. Its really scary to once again feel like you have no control over your body. I’m sorry you are dealing with this, but so glad you are taking care of yourself. Xx


    1. Thank you so much! Day three on meds and the first day no pain! I’m starting to feel back to normal. I tried to be brave, then just gave out…but so much better now. So amazing how friends online helped and brought me to tears.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh please don’t call yourself those words! In fact they are so far from who you are, they are like words in a different language. I as well as so many other survivors can easily relate to that hyper-alertness to that sense of going from calm to anxiety in a second. When I feel overwhlemed I feel my body tightening and lately am ashamed to say that I get angry and snap at my son.

    Please know that you had the best of intentions and were trying to look after yourself the way you have always needed to look after yourself. There was nobody there looking after the little Patricia, so of course you would find your own solutions and be distrustful of doctors. I am sorry!


        1. I’m on the mend. Went again to the ER yesterday and had a CT scan. And some morphine. That helped a lot. At least I found out that I don’t have an abscess or anything serious, at least not that they could find. So not worrying about a perforations is a great relief.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I am glad to hear that. That is a huge relief. Yes now is not the time for worrying but time to take extra special care of yourself. Rest and be pampered by yourself and others. Is that going to be possible?


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