What if I wasn’t such a schizo-nutball? I mean really. I have meditated now for almost 15 years, a half hour daily. And it has helped greatly, more than helped, I honestly believe it has mended my broken brain but some rabid parts remain. I still tend to go off the deep end easily, go from calm to full-on anxiousness immediately, taking a dive off a cliff. Yet the new found self-love and compassion tempers my tendency to beat myself up for it, almost.
Medical people upset me. I’m scared and don’t see them enough to feel comfortable. When I do meet a Doc that I like the office sucks, and more pointedly, makes errors that threaten lives. Or I like an office’s capability but the Doc needs to seek out a career in research, not any place where people are involved.
My GYN, who I do love, put me on an Estrogen product in hopes to ward off further episodes of UTI’s. I’ve had three in the last year after never having any. This is not via the oral route as that product has been linked with cancer so is no longer commonly given. I search the web after my first application, worried and scared about putting any product in or on my body.
The web gives conflicting information about whether topical estrogen is effective in warding off UTI’s. So with superior intelligence I think, what if I eat more estrogen? Then I won’t have to take this product for the rest of my life. I use soy milk on my daily bran cereal adding 6 tablespoons of various seeds jammed packed with estrogen.
That night I wake with sharp pains in the lower left abdomen. This goes on for a week before I begin to realize something is not right. It hurts, and while meditating, when I’m most in my body and centered, there is pain. I have disconnected from the pain as I often do, though at others times am exquisitely sensitive to it; like seeing a bruise and never knowing how it got there.
We go to the ER but after an hour I go home to bed and call the new MD in the morning. I am trying yet another doctor, about number 10 in just about as many years. That last one I left because after waiting a half hour I walked down the hall to the bathroom and heard the nurse on the phone ordering a full course breakfast for all the staff, about seven very long orders; what kind of toast, over easy, scrambled, hash browns on one, etc. I was incensed, and walked out.
I’m already impressed with the new office because the woman at the desk was busy, efficient and got to the facts immediately then back to her work extremely focused. Samuel went in with me so I’d have his opinion of my new doctor too. Before I even got back to the desk after seeing the doctor, they had already put in my scripts to the pharmacy, ordered my x-ray, (we decided to wait for the CT because the diagnosis of diverticulitis was fairly clear anyway), and my bloodwork labs were also done, laying there ready for me. They don’t fool around and they certainly have no time to break for breakfast.
Yes, I believe I gave myself this immediate problem, which if unresolved could have led to life threatening complications like a perforated bowel. So why? Why can’t I be calm like Samuel? Why do I fall off the deep end? Especially where my body is concerned. Lack of control of what my body is doing, so I panic? Things going on inside that I don’t understand?
I try to fix things by going over-board, like the seeds… I just cannot maintain equilibrium. As a nurse, why don’t I know these things? I can be objective, calm, and use better judgement for others. For me? Whacko. I mean, 6 tablespoons of seeds? Now I see my error. I didn’t then. A teaspoon or so of seeds are fine, but this amount can gather in pockets of the colon. Pockets can form for many people over the age of 50 and usually is not problem. But if foods can’t get through, they are trapped along with waste material and bacteria forms leading to inflammation and infection.
I am feeling better, on a clear liquid diet, which rests the affected area. It’s just hard to believe my actions sometimes. I will chalk it off to a broken brain. Some of it I just can’t mend.