I keep waiting for someone, perhaps my long gone Mother, to say, “That’s OK, it’s not your fault.”
Or to say, “Go, enjoy, have fun.”
Or, “You don’t need to go over something again and again, looking for who is at fault, blaming yourself each and every time. It’s OK not to. No one else does. People don’t dwell on every interaction, dissecting it. Let go. Live your life. Go on.”
So many habits I’ve gotten myself into, unhappy, negative ones. And it’s as if I’m waiting for someone higher up, like a parent, or parent-like figure to guide me the right way. The only one left is me. It’s me who is the parent, and in many ways, always has been. But without confidence in my own capability, I still looked to others, any others. Because I could see wholeness in them, but scattered-ness in me.
And I’m still scattered, or have that tendency. And that’s OK. I didn’t break me, others did. And in break, I don’t mean my essence, but my ability to do things calmly, at a nice even pace, finish, then start another. I may hop to three things at once. I tend to want to hurry others, ‘quick, will you, get to the point.’ I hate bullshit, and flowering things up. ‘Just say what is needed.’ No round abouts for me.
And though those are my tendencies due to traumas mixing it up in there, that doesn’t make me ‘less than.’ I can still direct me, my life, and my goals. I can follow my own intuition, make decisions, though sometimes that’s like sitting on hot coals…. I can rely on myself, despite the broken parts. A lot is in there that I hadn’t dreamed of, hadn’t been cherished enough to allow its fruition, not by the ‘family of origin’, then not by me.
But I can be my own director. I am reliable.
So say, YES! Say yes to you’re OK! Say yes to pleasure, to fun, to laughter…to loving Samuel and cherishing this time together because there is an expiration date— to all of us, and to this time together. You don’t have to sweat every detail, every interaction, every weakness and flaw in others or yourself. Accept most of it, it doesn’t matter much anyway and the things that do matter, you will know, because those won’t let go of you until you do make a decision or take action. I am the director, and I say YES to life and all that comes with it. There’s no one around who can do it for me…