So when do you leave a doctor and when do you stay? A culture to be sent in wasn’t nor did I receive a call-back about sonogram results. I had to make an appointment to find out, which also meant waiting over an hour to see her due to her popularity, or over-booking, or both. She tried to make it right by scraping my insides once again, but the stuff that came out of a few weeks ago, that I had already brought for culture, is not present now.  This time she had someone call immediately to let me know the latest sample was negative, but is it? Maybe I have a rotten ovary or the big C word.

She kept evading the issue of ‘where is the C & S’ report,’ and moved her chair closer, so close I could hardly breathe let alone keep focused and ask the hard questions. I kept moving my chair back away from her. She’s not blind or stupid. She got it. And excused herself leaving the room. I didn’t know it was to speak to a couple of others about the mix-up then the office manager.

She returned, shepherding me into another room to go over the sonogram. While waiting for her return, I had serendipitously read a pamphlet about how much time your doctor spends with you. If it’s always hurried and no longer than 5 minutes, you have the wrong doctor. I had that to embolden me.  She gave me the time I needed and answered all my questions. But I had to ask again about the culture because she seemed to be evading it completely, not a good sign. Because if she’s just worried about how she looks, my health is in jeopardy as she tries to hide the fact that someone dropped the ball, maybe her. Then nothing is done presently to remedy the problem. Because I pressed the issue and needed answers, she said she would do another scraping then after some thought also performed a repeat PAP.

What if I hadn’t pressed the issue? Is everybody more concerned about how they look than doing the right thing? Though she has tried to amend the issues, avoiding the fact that a culture was never sent was a very big deal, that of figuring out why a rather large amount of a pus-like material with dried blood was coming out of my body.  

As I await results of the second PAP, I try not to worry too much, which doesn’t work, or why else have I worked through several quarts of ice cream. Because it’s low fat, can I so easily persuade myself I’m not using one problem to make another, clogging up my arteries and adding pounds?

So it’s gone, demolished. I ride my bike along the canal, so much more beautiful than it sounds; water sparkling, low humidity, breeze ruffling the leaves on the tree lined path all along the six mile ride.  I have to forgive myself, again! This 3 day ice cream binge takes effort to forgive. But while riding I use the same techniques as in the past. It’s done, over, ingested. Beating myself up won’t help, in fact, it might be what I’m looking for; ways to dislike even hate. So don’t. What if today were to be my last? Would I want to spend it with self-hate for a life-long struggle? No. I almost smile. I’d want to remember how good it tasted. And keep any more of that crap out of my house. At least until next summer.

So coming home with a sheen of sweat, I feel better. I have worries, but I have joys, the simple ones of flowers blooming, hummingbirds swooping in, the birds at the feeder, and the first butterfly. Once I work through one hindrance, challenge or problem, another sets itself before me. Such is life…


15 thoughts on “GARDEN DAY

  1. Where I shop, ice cream was on sale last week. I had to hold the tablet with my grocery list on it, up to the side of my eyes, so I couldn’t look at what was for sale and for much. I had to repeat this procedure twice during that trip. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make me laugh in spite of myself! Thank you! I try to be strong at doctors offices yet find myself more a girl at their mercy. I cry instead of telling them off, something I assume others would have no trouble doing. But I’ve been know to give them a blast after I’ve had enough. We’ll see… Again, thanks!

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  2. I would say it’s a good time to change doctors. I have been having similar experiences with my doctor — in a hurry, doesn’t listen well, doesn’t follow up. She hasn’t lost a test result but by not taking seriously a skin infection I had last year, it got much worse before I got appropriate treatment and I’m left with some permanent scar tissue. Still I postponed looking for a new doctor because it’s always so complicated. But as one of my efforts to be good to myself, I called my insurance and made arrangements to try a new doctor. I have to wait until September to get in to see her for the first time, but I still feel pleased with myself that I finally made that effort.

    I’m sending you good wishes for positive test results, while also admiring the deliberate mental adjustment you made for yourself on your bike ride. You’ve learned so many healthy behaviors. Thanks for being a role model.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh geez, your kind words make me teary.
      It is complicated, and takes a lot of energy. But I will proceed once I think it through. At least a second opinion may be in order.
      Thank you very much for sharing. It’s good advice and helps to know what others go through too.
      My husband had 5 pokes in the neck to biopsy nodules on his thyroid. He waited patiently for 2 weeks, no call. He called and was aggravated, and the secretary finally called back a few days later. I mean, come on, wouldn’t they want to know whether they had malignancy or not. People seem to be treated more like cattle by these demi-gods.


  3. I needed this, today, as I hit my highest weight, ever. I was already beating myself up, and the sun isn’t even up yet. Thank you for reminding me to not hate myself for my weaknesses.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. “and the sun’s not even up yet.” I don’t mean to chuckle but couldn’t help it because it’s so true and so like me. It’s just so much easier to take the more traveled road, beating up on oneself. Why must it be work to love oneself? But what great and wonderful work, so satisfying, and little gains are made over time. Thank you for too!

      Liked by 1 person

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