I’m Making a Diamond

Sometimes I leave a comment at another site that strikes so deep I want to shout it to the universe. Such is the following from Blanked.

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Feelings are not facts. Unfortunately the ‘feeling’ of badness became part of my make-up around the ages of 8-11. It’s not fact. I’m old to have to be still be working on it, but I am, maybe for the first time with real affect; really questioning that belief, that I’m bad or not ‘normal’. Why am I ‘bad’ and everyone around me is OK, fine, ‘normal’?

It’s an assumption my child’s mind made. If what’s happening feels so bad, and it’s being done to me, I must be ‘bad.’ With no help to prove otherwise, made to feel I had to keep it secret to save the family’s good name, that feeling became reinforced, a part of my personality.

So being 62 and still working on the feeling, or belief of badness, makes perfect sense. It’s a feeling, not reality. Feelings come and go. This one became me. It is hard to eradicate completely because it rooted, grew and solidified. But I need to keep at it, keep chipping away at the false feeling that became a belief, stronger than marble, granite or stone. I’m making a diamond.

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14 thoughts on “I’m Making a Diamond

  1. This is so incredibly beautiful…you are such a brave, courageous and talented lady. This really moved me very deeply. Thank you x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I enjoyed your blog. Sometimes I feel too old to be struggling with this old sense of badness. Just when I feel like I have managed it, it rears its head again. Now I am at the point where I can just welcome it and let it pass. It is just old tapes that come to light every now and then. The gift is now I understand why I had this sense of badness deep within me that colored everything. There is where I find my freedom and bliss.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I liked this blog too and your comment. I feel this way so often – it’s been too long, I’m too old, I have gone to therapy a lot, why can’t I just let go of it? I am still working on my understanding of how those feelings developed and just letting them pass through me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Could it be that you’ve made more progress than you’ve given yourself credit for?
        It’s very easy to underestimate the varied and almost insurmountable challenges, especially if one tends to compare themselves to others around them, as I tend to do.

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  3. I remember a very long time ago (while in my 30’s) that my brother once said to me, “Why don’t you just get over it already” and how hearing those words made me feel. It crushed me, and made me feel rejected, and made me believe I was alone in this journey. That was a feeling, not a fact. 🙂

    Now I’m 56, and I’ve long since learned that it’s an extended process that happens in increments, and some days are better than others. Some even approach effortlessness, much to my delight and surprise. I’m not sure if it is because I’m older now, or have just gotten farther along in learning how to love myself, but I no longer need anyone else to tell me how I’m doing as far as my healing process goes. And I’m never alone in this journey. There are too many of us out there still becoming diamonds. (loved that analogy!)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. That’s so invalidating! “Just get over it” Really? Grrrr…

    Healing IS an extended process, and I’m not sure it’s ever completed. I it goes on as long as we do. Every day there’s more information, more insight to apply to the wound or scar. Then one day you paint a face around it and move on.

    Liked by 2 people

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