It still amazes me how much damage has been done to my nervous system due to years of untreated Post Traumatic Stress. I took a whopping dose of Xanax to quiet my body and mind during a dental appointment this morning as I had a simple cavity filled. I believe it’s the first attack (Danny’s rape) simmering below that my conscious can’t or doesn’t feel ready to allow up, that’s what’s nudged. And instead of condemning that little girl part of me, I cheer her. She (me) is amazing. Though she’s headstrong and still tends to take over at times, she is something. All that she went through in the dental chair and at the same time suffering daily terror at home while her brothers used, maimed, and raped her. Wow, she is an incredible little girl. And she is me. I am going to say it. I am incredible! I am not waiting till after death for my struggles to be unearthed and appreciated. I intend to to admire and appreciate them now…
If I took that amount of Xanax under normal everyday conditions it would probably knock me out for the day. But with the fight or flight thing going on, and with cortisol squirting out in abundance, these chemicals eat up Xanax as if I’d never had any. But it’s done. Thank science for the drugs.
I hesitate to encourage drugs; I am NOT doing that. Xanax has become the fashion drug of the stars. It kills them. It killed my 30 year old niece.Was her death one more suicide in our so called family? I think not. She did not know what she was playing with. And not one of them let on the truth of her addiction, not my younger brother, his wife, not my niece. But I knew something was very wrong. I heard her slurred speech as she got in the car with an extra large coffee at 10 am. I could have done more, I could have helped more. If only I’d known. Guilt haunts me and needless loss. I suppose people are ashamed if one in the family are into drugs. Is that why they kept quiet?
So really, I cannot be blamed, I am not a mind reader.But what if? Such a tragically needless waste. I am of the mindset of let’s get work together, air it and work immediately to stop it. I see no shame, I see a person who hurts and needs help.
For me, I rarely use Xanax, surprisingly so because I am the ‘too much girl.’ Eating, drinking, shopping, whatever it is, I work to to temper doing too much. It is in my genes, my mother and grandfather were very obese but that’s no excuse. My proclivities to overdo to put my pain far away, focus on one thing, eating. Better to work on one problem, it’s enough, and that’s my biggest problem and hurdle. I can’t imagine cutting but I can see how it works. I tried throwing up after eating too much when I heard about it, but that feels like ungodly torture. So I eat, and it stays, and my poor body reflects it. There are benefits. It does keep many at bay and does offer some safely though much pain. Safety is better. Pain I can handle, and am used to.
Shopping is tamed by going to garage sales; can’t get into too much trouble there. Drinking? Now that’s fun, too much fun. So it’s sporadic, rare and generally has a bad outcome, like how I feel afterwards. If I keep it to a glass or two I’m OK, but once started that’s hard. So I mostly stay away from it. Same with pills. I don’t like my body feeling different and I don’t like taking pills.
So beware of narcotics, they can be killers. Mine has been refilled sparingly over the years since seeing Raymond and that first panic attack. Even then I did not use enough which was the prescribed dose and he had to talk me into using it, but it has been helpful over the years on occasion and in very small amounts.
So I have jumped the hurdle successfully…that dental visit is done!