Picture 1504 It still amazes me how much damage has been done to my nervous system due to years of untreated Post Traumatic Stress. I took a whopping dose of Xanax to quiet my body and mind during a dental appointment this morning as I had a simple cavity filled. I believe it’s the first attack (Danny’s rape) simmering below that my conscious can’t or doesn’t feel ready to allow up, that’s what’s nudged.  And instead of condemning that little girl part of me, I cheer her. She (me) is amazing. Though she’s headstrong and still tends to take over at times, she is something. All that she went through in the dental chair and at the same time suffering daily terror at home while her brothers used,  maimed, and raped her. Wow, she is an incredible little girl. And she is me. I am going to say it. I am incredible! I am not waiting till after death for my struggles to be unearthed and appreciated. I intend to to admire and appreciate them now…

If I took that amount of Xanax under normal everyday conditions it would probably knock me out for the day. But with the fight or flight thing going on, and with cortisol squirting out in abundance, these chemicals eat up Xanax as if I’d never had any. But it’s done. Thank science for the drugs.

I hesitate to encourage drugs; I am NOT doing that. Xanax has become the fashion drug of the stars. It kills them. It killed my 30 year old niece.Was her death one more suicide in our so called family? I think not. She did not know what she was playing with. And not one of them let on the truth of her addiction, not my younger brother, his wife, not my niece. But I knew something was very wrong. I heard her slurred speech as she got in the car with an extra large coffee at 10 am. I could have done more, I could have helped more. If only I’d known. Guilt haunts me and needless loss. I suppose people are ashamed if one in the family are into drugs. Is that why they kept quiet?

So really, I cannot be blamed, I am not a mind reader.But what if? Such a tragically needless waste. I am of the mindset of let’s get work together, air it and work immediately to stop it. I see no shame, I see a person who hurts and needs help.

For me, I rarely use Xanax, surprisingly so because I am the ‘too much girl.’ Eating, drinking, shopping, whatever it is, I work to to temper doing too much. It is in my genes, my mother and grandfather were very obese but that’s no excuse. My proclivities to overdo to put my pain far away, focus on one thing, eating. Better to work on one problem, it’s enough, and that’s my biggest problem and hurdle.  I can’t imagine cutting but I can see how it works. I tried throwing up after eating too much when I heard about it, but that feels like ungodly torture. So I eat, and it stays, and my poor body reflects it. There are benefits. It does keep many at bay and does offer some safely though much pain. Safety is better. Pain I can handle, and am used to.

Shopping is tamed by going to garage sales; can’t get into too much trouble there. Drinking? Now that’s fun, too much fun. So it’s sporadic, rare and generally has a bad outcome, like how I feel afterwards. If I keep it to a glass or two I’m OK, but once started that’s hard. So I mostly stay away from it. Same with pills. I don’t like my body feeling different and I don’t like taking pills.

So beware of narcotics, they can be killers. Mine has been refilled sparingly over the years since seeing Raymond and that first panic attack. Even then I did not use enough which was the prescribed dose and he had to talk me into using it, but it has been helpful over the years on occasion and in very small amounts.

So I have jumped the hurdle successfully…that dental visit is done!


26 thoughts on “DONE!

  1. I was on Xanax for a year or more, my doctor just kept upping the dosage to the point that I was taking 8mg a day. During a two month period, I was involved in four auto accidents – all my fault (except when I side-swiped that police car that was sitting on the yellow line in the center of the road). I went into withdrawal when my prescription wasn’t filled in time and I ran out, and that was horrendous. Twice, I overdosed on it, the second time I stole it from a friend of mine. Today, I take 1mg of Clonazepam a day, and three at bedtime (for a sleep disorder), and I’m happy to say there have been no further accidents (I no longer drive). But I wouldn’t dream of taking a big dose of it (even if I could) for any reason. I want to keep my head on straight.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Xanax is for me also the only psych drug I take, and it’s for emergencies, such as dentists, only. I much prefer to take something only once in a while, to taking meds every day. And I totally relate to the nervous system being messed up. Mine is too. Sometimes, you just need to get through something, and a drug can help a lot.

    That said, xanax can be very bad, if used a lot. Doctors over prescribe it seems, and there are horror stories. But the way I use it, it is a big help.

    Glad to hear you are appreciating your courageous child part.


  3. Narcotics can be a slippery slope, but there are still some rare occasions that I dip into my reserve stash, especially when I’m sorely in need of much-needed restful sleep after too many days on the high end of a manic episode. You sound relieved to have the dental visit behind you, and like you made a choice to use the Xanax as a way to get through the associated discomfort. As long as we are being realistic and careful, I’m one that believes that we can sometimes be the best advocate for how to navigate the trickiest days. Assuming we aren’t in denial, and assuming we don’t become dependent on the narcotics to navigate ALL the tricky days. Moderation, in all things, whenever possible. I like to say that I make choices that are not always the healthiest, but they are healthier than some of the alternatives. Sometimes, that’s enough to get me through. And I’m perfectly okay with a temporary sidestep, if it helps keep me from falling into the abyss. Glad your dentist visit is over and done with, and you can get back to your regularly scheduled programming. 🙂


    1. Me too, the last few days were very tough, and the weeks leading up to it. That position of lying back, whether a repressed rape seems like it’s coming up, or plenty of other stuff occurring with another hovering over me, puts in a vulnerable, terrifying position. Doesn’t matter if it’s a woman or man as I’ve tried women dentists also.
      Friend do NOT understand either. Haven’t any idea nor offer much comfort. I tend to feel so alone going through it. It’s fellow survivors only who understand. And my husband. He doesn’t understand internally, but has seen first hand my terror.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I have difficulty with the dentist as well. I think it is about the vulnerable position you are in as they work on your teeth. I am so glad you embrace the little girt in you. I have difficulty doing that from time to time. I have to manage the eating and drinking as well. That is how I have dealt with lifelong pain. I have been sober almost 3 years now.


  5. I’m glad you made it through the appointment. I get the dentisit fear. And I’m sorry for friend wasn’t understanding, but….I am impressed you told her! That’s what Bea would call honest communication, and I’m always impressed when people are brave enough to do that. Go you! Because you are incrediable! ❤️😊

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I think it’s hard for those of us who are afraid (or who dislike) conflict, when we do start to find a voice, it either whispers or booms. At least, for me, I haven’t found a nice soft place, a happy medium. I either whisper and no one hears, or I scream at the top of my lungs, and everyone hears. One is not enough, and one is too much. Bea assures me that with time and practice, and letting go of anger, and being able to accept myself and a million other things, I won’t always feel like this. I think what was good about you speaking out to your friend is that you stood up for yourself– you said, “hey, wait a minute, this is a big deal to me, I’m looking for support and you aren’t even being compassionate. That’s not okay.” In my book, it’s huge that you were able to stand up like that. Also, you did think before you reacted, and you wrote to her, which to me means you didn’t just fly off the handle– so closer to that happy medium place. All good stuff. 😊

        Liked by 2 people

        1. I hope you’re right. I have a feeling I won’t be hearing from her for awhile… But one thing different than any time time I have spoken up to anybody was that I don’t feel fear. Leave me or don’t leave me, but I’m not leaving me. I am sticking by me. (for a change)

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Alice, I wanted to update you! Having you in my corner meant so much. I was so afraid after speaking up finally to my friend of over 10 years, sure I had just trashed the friendship. I kept thinking of sending a card apologizing for over-reacting in my pain and fear but just couldn’t get there because I began to wonder, I am just drawn to those to who will mistreat me? (yes).
      In the meantime my husband brought in the mail and said I had a letter which struck fear in the pit of my belly and as I flew to it I said aloud, “That’s it, I’m a goner.”
      Instead, she had written a nice note about friendship and that they are always there for me, etc. and I could exhale.
      You are a bright light for me, and I wanted to thank you….


      1. I was actually wondering what had happened, I am really glad you updated me! Gosh do i understand that fear and the desire to apologize and beg forgiveness– even if you have no reason to. I’m so glad she reached out to you!

        Bea says we teach people how to treat us, we shape their behavior towards us. I can believe this. Maybe because of Kat and autism and her therapies, I can see behavior shaping first hand so i do know exactly how this works. What ive learned from Kat is that we can change behavior, though. So like, even though i may have taught hubby to make choices for me– i helped shape that behavior and his desire to be helpful and keep things easy and smooth also helped this happen easily– i can begin to step in, use my voice and change his behavior. Does that make any sense?

        I’m so glad your friend realized her mistake and wrote a nice note. I think that is wonderful. 😊😊😊😊

        You are so sweet. I don’t know why I am a bright light for you, but thank you for telling me i am this to you. You have helped me so much, you have no idea what your words have meant to me this past year. You are a real friend, “real life” or not.

        Xx❤️ Alice

        Liked by 2 people

  6. Grace, thank you for sharing about the terror of going to the dentist. As a child, when I had to have a cavity filled, I refused all medication to numb the area. The dentist thought I was crazy and I didn’t know why I was so adverse to having a needle in my mouth. Shots in my arm were no big deal. When my sexual abuse memories surfaced in adulthood then it all made sense. I won’t go into the gory details but I didn’t want any long things put in my mouth. Take care, B


  7. I am so happy that you are recognising just how incredible your inner child is and by extension you of course. It has been such an important step for me; accepting her and embracing her. I have noticed that I look at my childhood photographs in a different way now; with love and respect and awe for that little girl.

    Good on you for not apologizing for your feelings because as you pointed out it’s time to stop taking on responsibility for others; something I struggle with still.

    As for the dentist, I completely understand. Any visit to a doctor or dentist where I have to lay down keeps me in knots of anxiety before and after. Well done for your bravery my dear friend.

    Liked by 1 person

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