Once again, today’s post is inspired by a comment left at another site: Unsilenced by survivingmama
I often wonder, “What’s the point?” I’m not one to end my life though spent much of it wishing it would end. At the same time, if the end were to come, I’d grasp and cling and fight. I want what I know more than what I don’t. Though I don’t feel that way anymore, at least most of the time, I do feel the limits of my life more sharply. Sometimes I wonder, is this the day? What if today were the day? Are you ready, are you OK with that, if you died today? And it makes me think about the way I think. If I’m trashing myself, which I usually am, I try harder not to. I try harder to be with me, in me, and feel all I feel and not run from it by eating or anything else. Whatever the feeling is, it will pass, and so many feelings come and go; it’s hard to take, but I remember to tell myself, ‘It’s OK” and repeatedly if need be.
So what is the point? And yesterday in the warm sun on the patio, my fingers breaking up soil from last year’s pots, sitting in a chair by the wheelbarrow so my back and arthritic knees can rest, I wondered the exact thing once more. What is the point? And for me, already launching children from the nest and both us recently retired with enough to live comfortably, the point is ‘being’ here. Just that. In the moment, feeling the sun and earth, hearing the birds chirp and the pounding on the roof next door as the new house goes up, and the frogs waking from their sleepy muddy slumber croaking an erratic rhythm of tones….And everyone, as they go about their day, to make a living or whatever, be in the moment you’re in.
If I hadn’t switched out of my reverie to that moment I wouldn’t still remember the warmth on my shoulders and feeling spring bursting. I get so wrapped up in the future and the past I am not in the ‘now’ and lose that moment. I capture what I can. It will gone soon enough.
The depth of pain one experiences is also the depth of joy and wonder one can feel. You have to look for it. Mine is in my studio or out in nature. (Or washing dishes if I remember to snap out of it and be there with my hands and the suds) The point is ‘life’, living in my body, mind, heart and soul, easier said than done.
All photos courtesy of my garden, the grace of god, and my cheap little camera!